Had I trusted the weather report (I never do) I would have known this afternoon would turn out to be rainy. Yuck. I had hoped to go for my regular walk in the woods after work, but I think I'll be skipping today assuming the clouds linger. I have a half-hearted goal of walking 40 miles this week, and I did well yesterday but skipping a day puts pressure on those other days, so that might not happen.
My PHP class is FINISHED! I did end up with that C+ because the professor graded on a curve (I guess I wasn't the only one struggling!). On my own merits I'd have been a C, which sounds accurate and fair. Now that I've completed it I've reached the delusion stage "Oh, that wasn't THAT bad!" when I remember clearly wanting to pull my hair out many nights :-D
And today I am OFFICIAL in my status as an MBA student! So glad. I've reviewed the syllabus and content and this is going to be a much different road than the programming. It's reading, discussions, papers - which all take a good deal of thought and time. But it's not the same technical skills, and I feel much more like I'm on solid ground with these topics.
***** XW has still been on my mind a lot. A little shock the other day. I posted a video of my pet as a "Story" on facebook. I had never used stories before. They stay up for 24 hours, then are no longer permanent posts. It turns out you can also see who has viewed them. I didn't know this, and was shocked to see that XW had watched the video.
I had assumed she was no longer on FB for social media. She hadn't posted since our separation - no new pics, no updates, and I didn't see her logged in on Messenger (which was triggering because that's how she communicated with OW). I had taken a long break as well (and uninstalled Messenger), but chose to not to unfriend/block her as nothing we were going through was contentious, and she wasn't posting things that hurt me (ie pics of her new life). After a while I started posting again - I was always more active on social media anyway. I just have regular day to day stuff. Nothing over the top, nothing like "Oh look at how GREAT my life is!". I knew there was a chance she could see it, but it was very boring daily stuff and she had been inactive for over a year (or I'm blocked - which is also a possibility). So I was shocked when I saw that she still logs in.
At first I felt like she had to intentionally be clicking on my video to watch it. But then I realized that if you watch one person's video it slides seamlessly into the next, so who knows if she was intentional about watching or not. Who knows if it caused her to feel anything at all. I know she loved our pet.
But it was kind of painful for me, and still is. Seeing that she's still "there" - still out living her life without contact to me and that she chose this is still really, really hard. This was just a reminder of that. I don't internet stalk her at all. I don't Google search, or click on her social media, or search to see if she has a new account (which is my assumption). I don't google her workplace to be sure she's listed on a staff page, or see how the Covid crisis might be affecting her area (which frankly terrifies me for her health). I know it will only hurt me and she's not mine anymore. In this area I have strong will power.
I'm just still sad I guess. And I'm not wanting our life back either. I'm starting to understand just how different I am now than I was when we were partnered. It's shocking to me. And I don't regret this result exactly. But I'm starting to see just how much of the stuff she struggled with really was about me and who I was - in the beginning. A portion of it. But a solid portion of it. I regret that. It has taken me about 18 months to see clearly where I was falling short in our R.
I saw her stuff much earlier, and much clearer. And she certainly had her stuff - I'm not taking all of the blame for this. And I'm still angry about her affair if I'm honest. I'm not sure how I'm going to get over that because I still have work to do.
I feel weird because my first thought was "omg she's peeking her head around the corner". When I first got to these boards I did all my reading about mid life crisis and timelines. I don't believe in that anymore. Well, not for my case. Some folks I do. But now that I see my own faults clearly I see why she needed to go. This isn't a turn around for a future, and it hurts because there's still a solid part of me that wants that. But I don't believe in it any more.
