And then it was over.

[SteveLW]

Wow. So much focus on him. You'll never ever make progress with this much focus on him. You have to bear down and forget about him. He's making choices that are selfish and are not in the best interest of those he is supposed to love. If he had acted like this when you first met him you would have told him to kick rocks. But now you're willing to put up with it. Ever stop to ask yourself why? I know you'd say you love him, but romantic love is not unconditional. There are things he could do that would cause you to toss him on his butt. Where is that line? Apparently he hasn't crossed that line yet, right? ....

One last thing. You can go your own way, do what comes naturally to you, and go through the same mistakes we all made. Or you can listen to us, those that have been through it and come out the other end. Some, like me, managed to save our marriages. Some ended up getting divorced. But we all saved ourselves!

Steve - yes, he is crossing that line After a beautiful Mothers Day, where he participated and even wanted to be with us as we went to Kerry Park and then to Alki to walk the beach, he snuck out (again) after he thought I was asleep. And I am devastated. Completely gutted.

And, I am so so afraid. All the threads I read here of when separation occurs sound so utterly full of pain - the very small interactions - hoping for texts and then agonizing whether to answer them. The dissecting of every moment spent and how to approach with DBing. And 'was this interaction handled right'? Reading into everything. So painful, too painful. Yet here I am in pain as well.

I think in my head that if he is here, he will see me and the changes and the effort, and will figure out that this other person is not what he wants. That the old adage 'he will never leave his wife to be with the mistress' is true and at the end of this he will come back. My mom went thru this, and I was about 16. He had an affair and it w. He didn't leave the house and in the end, he stopped seeing the OW, and it was just my parents again.as awful for her

Reading the Mothers Day card he gave me, its like nothing has changed, we are a family again. And I am standing with one foot in how it used to be and what is going on now. And I don't know what to do. Is this part of 'in good times and in bad'? I don't know. I feel so alone at 4am, the pain is so intense - it just starts in your gut and radiates out to every extremity. How can someone you trusted, and loved, and would do anything for - do this? How could he be with us and part of our happiness today, and then go and do this? we had a great sex life (before) so (I think) not that...was it because I hurt him so much? is it because of this MLC thing? Does he really find happiness in this OWs arms? or is it just a salve for whatever he is going thru?

I don't have anyone to talk to - so I appreciate all your advice. I know exactly how Kate Spade felt.

Misty, yes unfortunately, pain is part of all of this. All of us here had to go through pain to get through our situations. Whether we ended up Ring or not, there is pain. As one that has been Ring for nearly 2 years now, trust me when I say that Ring is extremely painful. Especially early on. If you read my threads you will see that even in Ring there were struggles. There was second guessing. It was not a cake-walk. So many LBSs think that if they can just get their WAS to stay, to agree to R, and to recommit to the marriage that suddenly things are all normal again and it is as if the situation never happened. I can tell you from experience that is not the way it works. Unfortunately, R or D, there is going to be pain.

Many of us come here looking for that magic bullet to get out of pain. Many people come here and would even be open to just cutting and running IF that would end the pain. There are no shortcuts here. The feelings are real. The emotional roller-coaster is real. Most of the things it feels natural to do in order to end the pain will, in fact, prolong it.

And, I am so so afraid. All the threads I read here of when separation occurs sound so utterly full of pain - the very small interactions - hoping for texts and then agonizing whether to answer them. The dissecting of every moment spent and how to approach with DBing. And 'was this interaction handled right'? Reading into everything. So painful, too painful. Yet here I am in pain as well.

I think in my head that if he is here, he will see me and the changes and the effort, and will figure out that this other person is not what he wants. That the old adage 'he will never leave his wife to be with the mistress' is true and at the end of this he will come back. My mom went thru this, and I was about 16. He had an affair and it w. He didn't leave the house and in the end, he stopped seeing the OW, and it was just my parents again.as awful for her

I think what you are struggling with here is a false sense of control. You think if he stays in the house then you have some control. You do not. You even tell the story that he sneaked out again last night. The more you try to control the more he will rebel and the more you will be frustrated. And that will continue to cause you pain. But what I really think you need to get a handle on is your fear. Fear is, in my opinion, the number one enemy of DBing. I know in my own sitch, whenever I let fear rule my actions, I did the wrong things. When I dropped my fear and stuck to the anti-DBing principles espoused in the book and the fine folks in this forum, I moved forward.

So here is the thing. What I want to go back to above is the idea of having to go through pain. The good news is that no matter what happens, eventually the pain subsides. It is kind of like having to have surgery. The reason the short-term pain is bearable is because you know there will be a day when you are mended, healed up, and no longer in pain. None of us would go through surgery if the prognosis was being in pain forever. So you don't have to be afraid because the truth is that whether he stays or goes, you can look forward to a day when you are no longer in pain.

If you do not believe that, look at those of us that are on the other side of our situations. Whether they are someone that ended up D'd, or someone that ended up R'd. They all came through bigger and better.

One of the things that we espouse here is to look at your situation as an opportunity. You've identified ways you can improve, I see that reading through your responses. That's great! That is what you should be doing. Taking a step back, take a hard look at yourself, and become a better person. Prepare yourself for your next MR whether or not it is with him or someone else. And that is really what you need to focus on, making you the best you that you can be. If he takes note of that and changes his ways, great! If not, then you are set up for success going into a R with someone new.

But the best part about starting to focus on yourself is that your focus naturally comes off of him. And when you start focusing on yourself the pain will start to subside. It is a slow subside, but when you get good at GAL, 180ing (self-improvement) and detachment, you will slowly start to move from a place of pain to place of feeling good about yourself and feeling enabled.