Alison: taking the kids to see H is definitely partly for my own benefit. I have a deep attachment to the place where our other house is, I miss it when I don't get to visit, and I need the change of scenery right now when lockdown is restricting life so much. It's 5 hours of travel so not possible for me to drop the kids off and head off, and I do enjoy H cooking me a good lunch (so bored of cooking for myself and fussy kids). Seeing H is not top of my priorities in any of that, though it's valuable to see where his head is at and hear what the financial stuff is (perhaps, assuming no significant hiding funds) going to be in future. He's not very good company but right now I don't get to see any of my friends so some form of human contact is better than none. I'm not desperately longing to spend time with him, not in his current state.
H is deeply confused right now, I think the stress of him losing his job (he has always been extremely career focused) is really distressing him. I spent years making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour and I'm done doing that, but I can have some understanding for what he's going through. He threw his family away and now his job has thrown him away, he must feel like he has nothing to live for. He said some very bizarre things at the weekend, ranting about stuff and then contradicting himself. I fear for his mental health right now, and he's trying to alienate ds1 on top of that. One minute he talks of retiring, next minute he says he'll take 6 months off and travel. Travel where?! Everything is closed! His behaviour has been bizarre for a long time now but has ramped up another level.
The taking him for a walk bit came out wrong, I was concerned that H was going to do something even more destructive to his R with ds1, either getting physical or pushing things so far the damage would be irreparable. I suggested a walk in order to defuse things. Not trying to fix things or tell him what to do, but to protect ds1, he's been harmed enough in all this. I'm not stepping in to fix things between ds1 and H, maybe once I might have suggested certain actions to each of them but I'm not getting involved, they are both adults even if H is not capable of acting like one. I suspect if H does not repair things then the kids will refuse to visit next weekend, that is his consequence.
Sending the email to the lawyer today, I have no intention of letting H know unless I have to but I want things lined up to protect myself if necessary. And also because I no longer have hope of H changing. In a way his outburst towards ds1 was useful, because it reminded me of the terrible behaviour we tolerated for so long, and reminded me that although I played a small role in that, fundamentally H has deep problems which only he can address.
