And then it was over.

[SteveLW]

LH19 - Okay... time. Can I get some perspective on this? Do they go for a couple months, or a year? Does anyone have info on the statistics of WAS' coming back after they leave?

I found out from the counselor that the H is only focused on using this counseling for ways to make our post divorce co-parenting better. From the counselor: "You don’t have to mull this over, (H) is really clear that his goal is to make you better co-parents post divorce. Nothing is going to change that in the next 48 hours. This process is an opportunity for you to show up better than he expects, challenge his negative beliefs about you as you work together to improve these skills."

I did talk to H - and let him know I am 100% vested in pure marriage counseling - after all I chose the DB counselors as this is all about Divorce busting, right? Focusing on 'communication, trust, conflict resolution' right now is like throwing a glass of water on someone that is completely on fire - not going to help.

H says he realizes I am 'fighting for my life'. I asked him if he is even trying - he said no. I asked him then why is he still here? he says this is him being open-minded. I asked him for clarification, he said he was here and that shows something, that he is being open-minded to a possibility of things changing. Is he playing me?

He continues to say he believes he has no chance of being happy here - of course I tell him that everything ebbs and flows and granted we are in a lull but things will ebb back...and he just has to wait to try this out - fully. That happiness takes effort on his part, the grass is greener on the side you water...I listened.

Surprisingly he asked, would I still be with him if it had nothing to do with the kids? That rocked me, because of course I would! I love him for him - not for the sake of holding this family together. How could he not know this?

We talked and he seems deeply conflicted. He actually told me he felt guilty for keeping me from moving on to someone that would love me like I love him. I told him, to not make me an excuse/reason as to why he needs to leave. I asked him why he is so unkind, he said because he thinks its leading me on if he is nice to me. I am not seeing the forest for the trees - Please translate all this straight up. He acts conflicted, so I think there is hope - if I ask if there is even a 'glimmer' of hope - he will say yes - he is being open-minded. And the fact he is doing the counseling adds to my confusion.

much thanks - my DB counselor keeps telling me there is a good guy buried deep in there. This is encouraging to me. But maybe this is from the MLC side. What about the WAS side?

Wow. So much focus on him. You'll never ever make progress with this much focus on him. You have to bear down and forget about him. He's making choices that are selfish and are not in the best interest of those he is supposed to love. If he had acted like this when you first met him you would have told him to kick rocks. But now you're willing to put up with it. Ever stop to ask yourself why? I know you'd say you love him, but romantic love is not unconditional. There are things he could do that would cause you to toss him on his butt. Where is that line? Apparently he hasn't crossed that line yet, right?

But what if you were friends with someone and their husband was behaving this way? Would you tell her to hold onto him for dear life? Would you tell her to put 100% of her focus and energy into him?
Sometimes when we are too close to our own situation to see it clearly and to realize what our instincts tell us and what we feel is natural to do is actually wrong.

I like to use the analogy of eating until you are full. Over full even. Then having someone try to get you to eat something. We've all been there. You get done eating, go to someone's house and they try to feed you more. It's annoying. Well your WAH has told you he is full of you and you continue to try to feed him more of you. Do you think that helps you or hurts you? What you have to do is pull back completely, make him miss you and get hungry again, and then he'll come looking for you. People want what they can't have. You should become what he can no longer have.

Stop worrying about what he says. Watch what he does. When you start detaching well he may verbally protest. Don't fall for that, that's manipulation. Watch what he does. As he starts reaching out to you, coming towards you. Maybe even showing some of those old sparks of his former self.

One last thing. You can go your own way, do what comes naturally to you, and go through the same mistakes we all made. Or you can listen to us, those that have been through it and come out the other end. Some, like me, managed to save our marriages. Some ended up getting divorced. But we all saved ourselves!