I think we're doing okay. I am trying to make some time in my life to actually enjoy the quietness, the lack of a commute, the empty streets when I walk the dog, the flexibility of choosing my own hours. A lot of this involve my letting go of anxiety and a wish to control - and that is very difficult for me. But a good life lesson.
I am getting a different perspective on things. Have spent hardly anything the last few weeks - and it makes me realising how much I have, and how little I need. Obviously the sunshine helps, and the kids being older, and I know how spectacularly lucky I am to be working from home, and paid as usual, and healthy. My job isn't 100% safe but we could survive fine on what H brings in, and his is.
So more and more I am feeling peace and happiness in the day to day. I don't often feel lack of trust or worry about H, even though I know he is probably working and seeing the OW now and again. I never think to ask - it doesn't really feel important. We still have full transparency but I guess I am just focused on myself and my own life and what I need, and I also think that if he was doing something that would hurt me, well, I would be okay.
We do still have our moments. Eldest remains difficult - at least every other day there's some skirmish or conflict about something. This is his temperament, his hormones, he's been a victim of two very different parenting styles that have only recently come into harmony - but he is also now a young man and I think perhaps it is appropriate I am holding him more responsible for his actions. I don't think he understands that unpleasant behaviour makes it hard for me to want to be around him, but obviously when he feels rejected, he's more likely to behave unpleasantly. I can tolerate that and love the heck out of a toddler in that dynamic, but perhaps a young man who is bigger than I am needs to feel more natural consequences. I don't know. But I am doing my best.
H and I are getting on well. There are moments there too - he is tired and sometimes grumpy and irritable. Nobody is getting the time alone that they need. His job is extremely stressful and sometimes traumatic at the moment. I do understand this, but sometimes I feel unappreciated anyway - and trapped too - I didn't sign up to be a SAHM and I don't want to be one! But most of the resentments and skirmishes between us are minor - it isn't like a forgotten tea-cup in the bedroom turns into a long list of all the terrible aspects of who I am as a person any more. I'd never stand for that again, but I just don't think he's in that place any more. I don't really know what changed for him, but I know what changed for me was boundaries and assertiveness.
It's strange, but I actually think H takes up less of my head and my heart than he used to. I don't mean that I am unforgiving (I think we're just about past that - or at least, today it feels like we are) or that I am withholding or cold. I just mean - I used to expect him to meet all my emotional needs. When he left, for months all I could think about was how sad I was about that, and what I should do or not do to get him back. When he came back, all I could think of was what I needed to do to get things to work, or whether it was the right thing or not, or worry that I'd thrown myself into a horrible situation and I was about to put myself and my kids through the worst of it all over again.
Now it isn't like that. I think we maintain things okay - there's not much in the way of 'date' type activities right now - we're like ships that pass in the night, but there is affection and compromise and negotiation over how we make the practicalities of everything work. I do know he's stressed and anxious because he's told me (which is a change) and he does know that I am frustrated and missing my friends (as I have told him) but we're not focusing too much on that - he can't carry me or my emotions right now, and I don't want him to. I'm not available to be his punch bag any more - and I don't think he wants that for me either. So it feels as if each of us taking care of our own emotional needs has put a bit more space between us, but it isn't a cold or lonely space. I am actually really valuing my time alone in a way that I didn't really know how to do before - and that is new.
