Hi Dilly

I think emailing the lawyer is a good thing. Your H won't know - perhaps you're just going to gather some information, or protect yourself and work to separate your finances. Doing or not doing something because you are worried about his reaction might be a step back in detachment, and at least with lock-down he will never be easier to avoid! It sounds like your sons - well brought up and perceptive young men - know how to detach themselves from their father's behaviour quite instinctively, and look elsewhere for comfort. You've done a good job with them.

Perhaps I can help you a bit? (Ignore if not helpful!)

Originally Posted by dillydaf
the only way H can see the kids is by me taking them (or he could visit but he's been working plus I want the change of scenery desperately!)


Well no - he could presumably come and visit and take them out somewhere to walk? Or you could go out for the afternoon to walk / run (not easy, I know) while he visits them in the house? All of that would be within lock down rules. I think you're still doing some wife-work and parenting for him - maybe for the benefit of your sons, but perhaps to meet your own needs too?

Originally Posted by dillydaf
H was very worked up so I took him off for a walk


He's not a child - even when he's acting like one. And he's not your child. I think an assertive and detached response would be to remove yourself from situations where he's acting like a brat, not taking action to soothe or pacify him. This isn't even wife work, it is parenting.

Originally Posted by dillydaf
So, I drafted an email to the lawyer last week, not sent it as every time I looked at it I felt sick. I can predict that if I file H is going to explode with anger and be as nasty as possible. I love him but I can't sit round expecting him to change, his behaviour yesterday was a reminder of all the negative stuff he splattered over me and the kids for years on end. If he can't look inside himself he is going to be a lonely old man. But then it won't be my problem any more. Having seen how his mum is still refusing to take responsibility for her MLC behaviour 30 years ago and still blaming everything and everyone except her, I can predict that if he doesn't have the strength he will end up just like her. That would be so sad, not having a single person in the world who loves you because you refuse to look at yourself.


All this is true. But filing for D isn't going to protect you from it. Only detachment and boundaries will. I think you're still making excuses to go and see him, and perhaps going dark ( given the situation with lockdown, you could drop your kids off at his house and expect him to drive them back, for example) is going to get you closer to protecting yourself from his bizarre behaviour than filing for D will at this stage.

D will probably give you financial protection (and I agree with your instincts - he probably is hiding money or at least putting his interests as a single man before his responsibilities to his family first - and while I cannot imagine for the life of me any sane woman wanting anything to do with him, the world is a strange place so you may as well assume he has a mistress and financially protect yourself for the scenario of there being another mouth to feed sometime...)

But then you already know this. smile

I hope you're well Dilly. I hope you take a lot of comfort in what sensitive and perceptive young men you've raised.