WW post D (Thanks BenB part 3)

[Mumin]

Very true she is going through everything as well. Thanks LH.
It would be good to know she understands how much she has hurt me and perhaps the kids.
I guess i need to tell her I don't want to be friends. But that will have to come later, when we don't share a house..

[LH19]

M,)8’

[LH19]

M,

Right now she doesn’t care about your feelings and she’s convinced herself that the kids will be fine. It’s possible someday she’ll realized the damage she’s done.

Don’t even tell her. Show her through actions.

I get the feeling you’re still trying to control the outcome.

[Mumin]

Thanks again for your comment earlier LH. IT helped me realize her side and validate more tonight.

Came home just before bedtime and helped put D3 to bed (D3 wanted me to).
After me and W spoke a bit about the kids and their weekend.
Then I said that now I know I can buy her share of the house, said I talked to bank and that he needs to agree to a lower valuation of the house, sign asset lists etc..
Convo went something like this:
W- Im sure you parents are happy it will be a lower valuation
Me - No. We havnt really talked about it. (Though we have)
W - Everything feels so strange.
Me - Yes I understand, we have both been in limbo. Its been rough.
Silence.
Me - Last we spoke of the house you wanted me to buy you out.
She said something about she had been thinking about whats good for the kids.
I said, if I can buy her out I want to. Kids get to stay here at least part of the time.
She talked more about how it is tough and said she feels like shes about to cry constantly.
W - Havent really stopped to feel. At least I have "name of friend" to talk to and process things. Feel so alone. (Childhood friend that also broke up with her boyfriend recently...)
Me - Yeah you have a lot to process. It must be terrible to feel alone like that. You arent really that type of a person.
She didnt say anything so I asked if she had watered the plants, which she hadnt.
I started watering a few of them and then saw she was crying silently.
I looked at her and said it is tough to see you like this but I cant be the one to comfort her.
We can talk but now that we aren't a couple I won't always be there.
Literally as I am typing this W came in to the house from the cabin and went to sleep in D5's room. (D5 fell a sleep in MBR.)

[ovrrnbw]

Mumin,

immerse yourself in validation and DB. If she is this emotional you may have a chance to turn it around if you can avoid stepping on your own foot. How do you avoid that? Detach. Think and act, no more feel and react. I think you did fine in that convo but could do better still. Keep improving.

[Mumin]

Hey all. Thanks Ovr for response!
I realizing how slow detachment is but can also feel it progressing continuously.

Tonight I went to the gym while W put kids to bed.
When I came home I soon entered mbr to unpack my bag.
Believe W was lying there next to D5 talking to OM. I belive she does thos from time to time when kids are close but not necessarily listening.

To me is F-ing brain dead to do something like that because they WILL take notice. Even if they are sleeping.
Thought about saying something but didn't. Just rolled my wires to my self. I guess I could say what I think but without making it a boundary. At least if I see it happening more often. What do you think?

[sandi2]

What would you do if she didn't honor your boundary?

[ovrrnbw]

I wouldn't bother saying anything, because it isn't detachment.

When you get tired of it, you'll start moving forward without her. Doesn't mean divorce, moving forward nonetheless.

Keep working hard at the gym. Really hard! And then come home and hit the books on growing yourself. Pour your heart out into all these things.

What other GAL can you add in? Even GAL at home?

[Mumin]

Quick update.
Your replies mean so much to me THAAANK YOU!!!!!

Havnt said anything about above.
Hit gym hard this week. Did som diy at home.
W has been feeling abit sick so we have both been at home in the house for 2 days. Strange feeling.
She has been initiating much more conversations.
Not sure if it's "real" or if she's tempchecking.
Trying not to be too available. Trust, nothing she says.
She has been showing feelings and really helping out at home. I am a bit more attached.
Last night had a similar convo as above.
W said she misses us so much (when she's away) that it physically hurts. She gets stomach aces.
I validated. Though I think I was abit too available.

Today she sent me a text about love and soul mates.
Not sure what to, or if I should respond.

[LH19]

M,

Ignore. Your W is not mentally stable. You don’t get married in August and then bomb your husband 2 months later while having an affair. You get that this isn’t normal behavior right? Did you read Zeus’s thread that has resurfaced? She needs serious help and reflection before you should ever consider reconciliation. Not because some passive aggressive bs.