Thank you DnJ, I hope you had a happy Mother’s Day as well
Just wanted to share something that is both mundane and remarkable. I mentioned having to pay an unexpected $6k in settlement costs last week. Which I did, but it practically drained my savings and left me feeling a bit vulnerable. This caused me to grumble and curse XH for putting me in this situation and walking off scot-free. Self-pity stuff.
Well. On Friday, I discovered there would be $3k surplus from the settlement. First surprise. Then today, I was notified of a $2k deposit into my bank account. Apparently this was an offer from my new bank to attract new customers - I had no idea as my mortgage broker didn’t pass on this info.
Heard through the grapevine that XH reached out to another mutual friend recently after a year of silence.
This is the third in the last month. The first one gave XH a reality check about his behaviour and decisions and told him he didn't want to associate any more. The second one just blocked and ignored XH.
The third one told him he was not comfortable with how XH has treated me, does not agree with how he has acted, and is disappointed that he abandoned his parental responsibilities.
XH questioned them taking my side and not supporting him. He accused them of throwing away years of friendship. He begged them to meet up so he could get it all out in the open.
All three friends held their boundaries and stopped replying. They are standing firm on their decision to cut him out. I have never and would never ask them to do that, but it means a lot to me.
These are men who went to high school and uni with XH. Many of them lived together after graduating uni. They witnessed every step of my relationship with XH. One was best man at our wedding.
They are my friends too, and I love them all dearly, but they were XH's friends first. It's sad.
These situations cause deep divides and fissures in relationships, even life long friends. H went way off the rails and abandoned his family and the very traits that reinforced the friendships.
It does feel pretty good to see couple friends pick our side. Rather affirming and validating, isn’t it?
And yeah, other people see him for who he is. So, these lost folks, like H and my XW, end up finding new friends that don’t know their history. Although one’s past does seem to find one, eventually.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I didn’t have that experience. My ex was the narcissistic charmer, and many of our friends were his friends because he couldn’t be bothered to hang out as a couple with people I liked but he didn’t “get”. The men mostly stayed with ex in the divorce, even the ones who had known me as long as my ex. But I always reflect back on the comment of one of our mutual friends that we met together in school - he said my ex was “A god among men!”. O.M.G. A more ridiculous thing was never said! But it just shows how much his narcissistic charm bamboozled people. I loved my ex dearly but I certainly knew he wasn’t a “god among men”, just my (almost) intellectual equal.
Maybe that was the problem. As a narcissist he needed to be thought of as a god among men, and bring treated as an equally by his wife was just too much for a god to bear?
My BFF laughed out loud when she heard that. We still chuckle about the “god among men”. (As we also laugh about a famous author she once dated who petulantly declared “But I’m a living legend!”
My ex in-laws mostly stayed away too (I don’t really blame them, I know how awkward that can be) but one cousin and aunt of his stay in touch with me and they are lovely.
Oh yes, it is validating and heartening. My friend's response to XH accusing me of spreading lies and slander: "Scout wouldn't do that. It's not who she is." Just as people see the real XH, they also see the real me.
One thing that used to upset me when we argued during our marriage was his tendency to force untrue motivations on me. I didn't feel heard or understood. Now I believe he was projecting his own worldview and assuming that I operated the same way as him.
Getting off track here, but I've been reading some old threads from DB posters - ginger, JujuB, painter - and reflecting on my past. The further removed I get from the marriage, the more I realise I escaped an unhealthy situation. I won't deny that I loved XH wholeheartedly because that's who I am, and that's how I love.
But time and therapy has reframed my view of our relationship.
XH is a violent person. Before we moved in together, he famously injured his hand punching a brick wall when he lost a video game. His temper was a running joke amongst friends. Another time, while playing a video game with friends and someone caused his team to lose, he pushed that person down and screamed in his face to "f*cking kill himself because you're f*cking useless". Years later, that friend told me he had to go for a walk so he wouldn't burst into tears and/or punch XH. When we first moved in together, XH punched a hole in a door when he lost a video game. After S2 was born, he smashed his keyboard to pieces screaming in anger when he lost a video game. Spotting a theme here...?
Even though his anger was not directed at me, it frightened me. He would, however, get angry at me for withdrawing in fear. His defense was that anger was his expression of emotion, and that I should accept and support him through it because he did the same for me whenever I was upset and crying. When I pointed out that my tears didn't frighten him, he became even angrier. I suppose he may have felt guilty? Once S2 was born, I told him that I would not allow the baby to be exposed to his anger, and I would take S2 to my parents' house if it ever happened again. It did happen again - he threw a bag of groceries across the kitchen, I don't even remember the circumstances. Why didn't I leave?
I don't want to throw the word 'abuse' around lightly. But it makes my skin crawl that the man who viciously called me a bitch and a whore in front of our infant child could turn up for the next visit and giggle with my neighbour and sweetly wish us a happy easter. The level of compartmentalisation and disassociation required to backflip like that is horrifying. I'm willing to bet that XH sees me unable to meet his eyes and thinks it's an admission of guilt. It's not - it's disgust and fear. It's like I've seen beneath the mask into terrifying blankness. It's a similar feeling I got when watching the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix. Like there's nothing there. I don't doubt that XH loved me, or that he loves S2. But it isn't my understanding of love. His love was shallow, and thus easily disconnected.
I asked my sister recently if she missed XH. She said he was fun to be around, but all he ever told her was jokes and instructions on how to fix her life (she's a musical theatre producer - low-paying passion career). My other sister told me she always felt judged by XH about her finances and her choice of low-paying passion career (social worker). XH would brag about our standing in life and how far ahead we were compared to our friends. I'd often remind him that people had different priorities to us. We had a mortgage and retirement plans and life insurance and our friends had Uber Eats, nightclubs and limited edition sneakers. And that was okay. He would just scoff. He truly believed he was better than them.
XH will be 30 this year. After paying off debt, he made a net profit of just $30k from the settlement. He has been outed as a cheater and abandoner to his family, friends and colleagues. For a man who worshipped money and status, he has fallen very far. I see his recent decisions to move OW into his house, involve her in child exchanges, and introduce her to his family as a desperate attempt to legitimise something that is sordid and embarrassing. It's image management. Further compartmentalisation. Brush it all under the rug and express outrage at anyone who holds him to task for it. Chump Lady says cheaters and narcs have three mindf*ck channels - rage, charm, self-pity. This rings true for XH.
My narcissistic ex wasn’t much of a rager, although his company did make him go to anger management once (when he got mad at someone who ratted him out for breaking the company rules).
He had charm up the wazoo ( see my post elsewhere about his best friend telling me ex was a “god among men” Lolol).
Now it’s all self- pity; it’s so unfair that I get part of the pension earned during our 24 year marriage, it’s so terrible that he has to find a way to live on his $9600 a month pension and $800k 401k and wife’s $80k plus salary. It’s so unfair that his 60 year old body is betraying him when he still wants to pretend he’s 30 (yes, it’s unfair, but he had no empathy for our son’s diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos syndrome, so now we’re supposed to all give him sympathy?) .
You know, this is going to sound weird, but I’d be glad your ex has OW. Yes I said it. Be glad because there’s another adult around to shield your son from your ex’s rages. Yes, it’d be easier if it was someone other than the OW, but at least she seems to be nice to S, since he seems to like her. It could be much worse.
