Quote: Don't worry about it; I know EXACTLY what you mean and I'm glad that you posted this message here for me as I needed it. I've been having a hard time asking you lately because I know you don't subscribe to that approach.
I do think there's a middle ground someplace...I suspect it's more closely related to "true detachment" than anything else...
I think that I've slanted most of my post-bomb DB'ing on the "love is letting go of fear" and "mastery of love" tenets...that even the worst behaviors are manifestations of fear and that shedding personalization and ASSumptions and embracing a willingness to accept the other person as they are are the foundations (note: not trying to make it sound as though I'm actually successful at this...just trying to muddle along like everyone else).
I'm not sure it "works" or that it "works" for all sitchs or whatever...Actually, I AM pretty sure that there's no one sure fire technique...that's pretty fundamental DB'ing, no? do what works....without saying exactly what that is.
I guess for me I've found the most peace when I've tried to keep as much acceptance of h in my heart as possible (see note above on the TRYING part).
anyway, in your particular sitch, I just have this sense (MHO ONLY) that your h is looking for a way back IN...wants to believe that things can be different and more positive...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Things still seem wonderful here and your posts lately seem to have a relaxed feel to them.
I am wondering do you feel more relaxed?
In some ways I am feeling more relaxed...my work and school load are as heavy as always this week but I'm not feeling the need to run around like a chicken with my head cut off...not exactly sure WHY! (but I like it)
In another way, though, I'm actually feeling a bit stuck ... I find myself facing a couple of things right now (in my mind, I suppose) that I'm really struggling with...I feel like maybe these struggles are here to remind me again (and again and again) about dropping the rope, shedding ASSumptions, depersonalizing, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel as though I'm struggling and stuck a bit in some places that I've been before and that's making me feel a bit more restless than I'd like. Honestly, though, I feel like this might be a good time for me to learn a lesson that's been plaguing me for years.
I know I'm being a bit cagey....not really trying to be, I suppose...but I think I need to focus more inward on this than outward right now. Let's just say that I'm trying to follow the advice I gave you yesterday about not beating yourself up for feeling how you're feeling...
****************************
Had school last night...it went well. Got home sort of late and h was waiting on the back porch. Very cute to be "scared" a bit by my waiting hubby.
He sent me an email while I was at school (unfortunately I didn't get it because my laptop was dead). Not sure if it's his intention to ease my mind but it's nice when he does that since my school nights were "date night with ow" a LONG time back.
Had some good conversation with him last night. Nice to catch up on our days.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
that even the worst behaviors are manifestations of fear and that shedding personalization and ASSumptions and embracing a willingness to accept the other person as they are are the foundations
I agree!
I think this was very important in my situation.
My tendency was to take everything Husband did as a personal attack on me. But when I started telling myself, he's scared and unhappy...I was able to look at him with more compassion.
He noticed the difference in my responses...and I think that's one of the things that brought him closer to me.
that even the worst behaviors are manifestations of fear and that shedding personalization and ASSumptions and embracing a willingness to accept the other person as they are are the foundations
I think this is important just in life in general!
I haven't posted yet but the morning did not go well and at first I was personalizing it. Working through it.
Sage,
I actually understand EXACTLY what you mean about the focus being internal rather than external.
You just put it so well.
Good luck pushing through it.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: If you've stopped by, you know that I sort of tried it yesterday and didn't feel very good about it. I felt so bad that I called back and apologized. Last night was the the first night in while that he didn't stop by. BUT, he did stop by earlier and greeted me; although not warmly. SO....I'm still confused but I'll continue on my path and you're right; benevolence is never a bad idea. Cathy puts it as "kill them with kindness".
I did the same thing, would say something, stand up for myself and then feel awful about it, call H back and more or less say I was sorry. I would then explain where I was coming from and once H heard it, then felt better myself. So don't give up, we shouldn't feel bad for standing up for ourselves and asking something of someone that IS important to US. Am I making any sense here?
Quote: even the worst behaviors are manifestations of fear and that shedding personalization and ASSumptions and embracing a willingness to accept the other person as they are
Beautifully written! This in itself would be a huge 180 for me in every R...romantic or otherwise and I completely agree with you.
Quote: I'm not sure it "works" or that it "works" for all sitchs or whatever...Actually, I AM pretty sure that there's no one sure fire technique...that's pretty fundamental DB'ing, no? do what works....without saying exactly what that is.
I agree here as well. I know what was working so I'll go back to that. Thank you for your insight, advice, suggestions...we have to try everything to figure out what works!
Quote: anyway, in your particular sitch, I just have this sense (MHO ONLY) that your h is looking for a way back IN...wants to believe that things can be different and more positive...
I was starting to feel this way...until these last two days. Not too sure now.
Well, enough hijacking. My thread is, as always, full of details.
No action since last weekend... but I'll be out there this weekend!
************** Met h after his class last night and we went for drinks/dinner. He was SO happy to see me...simply lovely and loving! Told me that he had been thinking about me nonstop for the last 45 minutes of class!
We talked about his school stuff, work, too. Talked about my stuff going on, too. It was really a great date -- very good stuff!
He's at work today...tonight we're going hiking and then to a movie. We both left at the same time this AM and since I was already wearing lipstick (usually I get my kiss goodbye before I put it on ) he gave me air kisses and said "ILY so much" in both ears.
Tomorrow we take the babies to the vet for their 1 year check up! Then sunday, h is playing baseball while I'm going to a mindfulness/yoga workshop. I'm very psyched about that! I also think I've found a convenient yoga class for when I'm done with school.
Whew. Hard to believe that yesterday AM I was really struggling inside with a lot of stuff. Things (good and bad) change...that's for sure.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
No action since last weekend... but I'll be out there this weekend!
Enjoy! This is one of my favorite things to do. Dd and I trimmed the ivy (H used it as a border). H noticed this am and said, "That must have been a lot of work."
Quote: Met h after his class last night and we went for drinks/dinner. He was SO happy to see me...simply lovely and loving! Told me that he had been thinking about me nonstop for the last 45 minutes of class!
This is so great!!! You two remind me a lot of H and I in the good days.
Quote: Whew. Hard to believe that yesterday AM I was really struggling inside with a lot of stuff. Things (good and bad) change...that's for sure.
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better today. Yes, stuff usually changes...and how we feel about it too! I felt hopeless yesterday and today I feel a bit hopeful.
I have a question for you. I've hesitated asking you this and almost asked that you email me so that I can ask but here it goes: Don Miguel Ruiz started (I think) groups that discuss the Four Agreements. I forget what they're called. Did you ever look into these or did you begin applying the concepts on your own?
I want to apply the principles in my life and wonder if there's value in the groups (time is at a premium ).
Quote: I have a question for you. I've hesitated asking you this and almost asked that you email me so that I can ask but here it goes: Don Miguel Ruiz started (I think) groups that discuss the Four Agreements. I forget what they're called. Did you ever look into these or did you begin applying the concepts on your own?
Minnie -- I've looked at some stuff on the web (group related) but I've never gone so far as to seek out a group (not sure where I'd squeeze it in!). I personally think that if you're considering it...well, then you should GO FOR IT! It'd be an interesting way to meet people, it would likely help you integrate the tenets, etc. For me, I listen to the tapes every few weeks and that's been helping to keep the ideas in my brain.
I'm somewhat lax about checking it (usually only 1x/day) but I'd love to hear from you!
***************** Had a really good weekend this weekend...It's actually pretty much of a blur except for yesterday...I know that h and I had some relaxing times Friday and Saturday night...yesterday, h played baseball and I stayed home and gardened for hours. I got a ton of stuff done! Then we hung out together for the rest of the afternoon/evening. it was one of those weekends when you can count on one hand the excursions into the big old world and that seems just fine!!!
h told me about a dream he had sat. night. He said that we were stuck someplace -- a tree maybe? -- and that I was in danger and that he kept telling me "hold onto me" but I was reluctant. He said that he was really frustrated and scared because he KNEW that if I would just rely on him I'd be fine but that I was resisting it and putting myself in greater danger.
Hmmmm...guess there's a parallel there, no?
I wonder if he knows how terrifying it IS to be standing on the brink of putting my heart into his hands again..maybe for the first time ever?
I had a totally giddy feeling this AM reading my cainercast:
Once any fantasy is shared by enough people, it becomes a reality. Scientists can argue all they like about what's proveable or valid. People believe what they want to believe, and they don't take kindly to being told that their beliefs are unfounded. Especially when, if you believe something long enough... and that belief is strong enough... you can effectively make it tangible and true. You've had a dream for a long time. Others now, are starting to see the sense of it. The Transit of Venus may be about to bring it to life.
I believe with all my heart this is referring to my m.
******** It's gonna be a heck of a week here at work...will post as I can...but know that I'm lurking as I'm able!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Not too sure now.
but I'll be out there this weekend!