Thanks Alison. So the next day I did more googling and the app is actually not only conveyancing but also legal related, and H has been consulting lawyers on work stuff, so I might have been hasty thinking he was hiding something as massive as a house. Still, taking out money behind my back is deception, and his financial affairs are so complex that it would be easy to hide stuff. When we are together he does talk a LOT about money, how much he might get paid out and how much he had invested in the company etc. So it seems hard to believe he's hiding stuff but that could be a smokescreen.
Ds1 did not want to go see his dad yesterday, I told him I thought it was important for him to see his dad but he's an adult and can make his own decisions. He stayed up too late and was very grumpy the whole journey but he did come. Public transport is not working right now so the only way H can see the kids is by me taking them (or he could visit but he's been working plus I want the change of scenery desperately!) H and I went for a walk and he said he's leaving his company but waiting for payout details. He seemed very angry and sad, also complained about his health a lot though he has got fitter without having to commute and work long hours the last few weeks. He also speculated about some of his symptoms being alcohol related, but without saying anything about cutting down or giving up. I just listened and did not suggest anything other than emailing his doctor about a scan which has been put off due to the virus.

H made us a nice lunch and fussed over me being in the sun, asked the kids to fetch my sun hat and moved the umbrella to be over me. Weird. He probably drank too much, I had a glass of wine with lunch and I think maybe he finished the bottle but can't be sure, plus a beer. We played a game with the kids and ds1 made a stupid mistake and H was scathing about it, then ds1 retaliated and swore at H and H shouted at him. Usually I would be trying to smooth things over but I didn't, it's not my relationship to get in the middle of. Then H demanded an apology and ds1 refused (honestly when has demanding an apology ever gone well?!) and then H said he would be expecting some bus money back which ds1 had been paid automatically but didn't use after college was cancelled and H had originally said fine, he can keep the money (it's not that much). H was very worked up so I took him off for a walk, usually the kids would come too but refused. H complained endlessly about how spoilt ds1 is and how much better off he is compared with H when he was a teen (he had to pay his dad board and work summer and weekend jobs to have any spending money). Gosh, so much leaking out about his abandonment issues. I also said that if he demanded the bus money back then he should expect ds1 not to want to visit, H said that he had given up his job on a point of principle and he wouldn't back down from this. My, a therapist would have a field day here, so much projection.

H came to the car to say goodbye and demanded an apology again and ds1 ignored him. We left and the kids were perplexed over H's behaviour, they said 'we are so glad he doesn't live with us any more' and ds2 said 'how did we put up with that behaviour for so long?' which made me both happy that we are better off separated and also concerned for how much H damaged the kids over the years with his anger and bizarre behaviour. The kids were not angry with him though, they recognised that H loves them but that he has issues stemming from his teenage years and that he's lashing out at the people he loves the most. Ds1 actually said 'so I have to be more mature than Dad even though he's 30 years older than me?' and I said yes, sadly that is how it is. They are very mature and insightful, they might not talk about H much but clearly they've done a lot of thinking about it. I hope so much that this protects them from behaving the same way when they are his age. I did point out that H didn't know how to parent a teen because he essentially didn't have parents looking after him then, and also that they have one parent who is there for them no matter what. Then they talked about how H uses money to reward and threaten them, and I said it's about the only way he knows how to show love, but also that it's about control. They said 'he gives us money but then says we're spoilt' and I said that was all about his own background and not their problem. Then ds2 said 'if dad is rude to me I just refuse to take his phone calls for a few days' (ds2 is the more emotionally astute one I think, but ds1 has always been closer to H) and I said that sounded like a good idea for ds1 too. Ds1 worries me, he strives for H's high opinion of him but he's also passive aggressive and is like me in not standing up for himself, the lashing out at H was an over-reaction but H's initial behaviour was unacceptable.

So, I drafted an email to the lawyer last week, not sent it as every time I looked at it I felt sick. I can predict that if I file H is going to explode with anger and be as nasty as possible. I love him but I can't sit round expecting him to change, his behaviour yesterday was a reminder of all the negative stuff he splattered over me and the kids for years on end. If he can't look inside himself he is going to be a lonely old man. But then it won't be my problem any more. Having seen how his mum is still refusing to take responsibility for her MLC behaviour 30 years ago and still blaming everything and everyone except her, I can predict that if he doesn't have the strength he will end up just like her. That would be so sad, not having a single person in the world who loves you because you refuse to look at yourself.