I'm in a really good head space - don't get me wrong I have pangs of sadness/disappointment.
H arrived told me via text he was "here". He immediately went to work on fence. He had the hinges but not the brackets so we got into S18 car and I let him drive us to hardware store. He was quiet and withdrawn. I just tried to keep it light by asking how he has been, etc. At first it was "busy" but then he opened up and discussed that he goes back to work on Monday, the drama about which shift he would be working, etc. He also opened up about his house and projects there.
On the way back from store he very quietly stated to let him know if I needed help getting S18 moved to college and he would use the truck. I said ok (but in my head I am completely capable of moving S18 to college.)
After the fence work was done it was time to load up more stuff in the truck. We have 2 garage freezers so he is taking the smaller one. We started emptying the freezer - he was going to take all the venison, unless I wanted any. I didn't (I prefer beef and there is more than enough of that-1/2cow in freezer.)
Out of the blue he asked if I needed any more dog treats. At first that confused me but then he stated there is more beef liver and he could dehydrate more. I said I had enough for now but he could make more (he took dehydrator.)
He asked for pictures of the kids - his kids. I had 2 accordion folders with the kids school pictures in order. I also gave him the books I had made from our vacation trips. Told him to bring a couple of thumb drives and I would place the digital ones on them for him. Gave him the pictures of our nephews on his side... but told him I did keep one for myself.
I brought out a knit blanket. It was one that I had been working on a lot - right before BD. He complained how much time I spend knitting. I couldn't touch it for nearly 3months again. But I got it out and finished it. I handed it to H. He asked 'who is this for?'. H knows I knit for everyone... all my kids, all my nieces and newphews, inlaws, all get home made knitted blankets.
I said it was for him. I told him that he had the really heavy one I made him for winter (years ago) but I wanted him to have lighter one for when it was warmer. I could tell he was touched and said thank you. No idea if he recognized for sure it was the one I was working on at BD or not. He said I shouldn't have - I said I know and walked away back into the house.
A few minutes later he followed me into the house. He stood there looking awkward so I asked if he wanted anything. He asked for a pepsi. I said sure and got us each one and we ended up sitting at the kitchen table. He is finally looking me in the eyes. The dogs are hanging with us. I asked about his upcoming trip to see his bff - it's been on the books for a year. He said he wasn't sure if he could go because that state was still on lock down. We talked briefly about his friend. And then H asked me about when my next knitting retreat was - that surprised me but I said not until November.
I asked if his house was dog ready - he said almost. Had a couple of spots to fix with the fence. Started talking about the dog. At one point I said I had wanted to share custody of the dog. H immediately asked how would that work -- with a tone that stated it wouldn't. I said I don't know. He said I should keep the dog then. I stated I've had the dog for months and I'm really bonded (slight teary eyed at the moment and trying to regain myself), but I cannot devote 100% of what he needs. I asked H if he wanted the dog. He stated he very much wanted him and I could tell by his voice it was sincere. I told him to let me know when his house was dog ready.
H looks at me and asks what S18 is doing for me for mother's day? I said I don't know. I doubt S18 even knows tomorrow is mother's day with a smile. H said he would text him and tell him, and then right there he did text S18.
At that point he was done with his pepsi. Got up from the table and walked out to his truck. There was some mindless small talk - more mumbling from him really. I was expecting him to state when he would be back --- YES, there is still some stuff at the house. But, nothing. He stood quietly at his truck. He couldn't look at me. He fidgeted with the stuff in his front seat before getting in... still not looking at me. Finally he said 'see ya later' and got into the truck without looking at me. I just said goodbye and put down the garage door.
My friend stated he couldn't look at me due to shame and guilt of what he has done. IDK, I think he just wants to be done with all of it and not have to keep coming back - as he stated way back when he was still full of anger... "just rip the bandaid off and move on".
Either way it is what it is. Nothing has changed except I'm not crying. I'm sad for sure over the puppy but it is the right thing to do. Do I wish he would have said - can we talk about R?, or how we could make this work now? SURE, but I know its not going to happen. He has a new home and OW --- which he never says a word about. I don't know why he doesn't? I don't know why he doesn't say he wants an expedited D because there is someone else who is special. Yes, it would suck but then I would know 100% sure where he is at with this.
Well, its a pretty day outside - I've focused enough on this for now. Put it aside. I have no reason to contact him.
