DnJ and may, thank you for sharing your thoughts on the MLCer's journey toward (or, in some cases, away from!) self-forgiveness and, maybe, seeking to make amends with others. DnJ, you talk about what may lead some to reconnecting with people in their lives further down the road, and may, what you wrote really seemed to capture where (I imagine) H is right now in a nutshell:
Originally Posted by may22
I imagine him having dug this deep, deep hole and at some points when he has flashes of normalcy he looks at the walls around him and the light so far up there and simply can't imagine how he can get out. And climbing out would also entail truly facing up to his behaviors and how they've affected you. So he pretends he doesn't want out of the hole, even to himself, and keeps digging down because maybe eventually he'll come out on the other side.
I've been having trouble finding patience and peace this week. Well, more like sustaining it. I can find it, but after that burst of anger from H last week, I find myself again wishing I could have the house to myself and not have to come into contact with his anger and unhappiness, whether directly or indirectly (i.e. his spewing at me or grumbling at the reality shows he's now started watching nonstop). He is not, at this moment, choosing self-reflection or peace, and I get that he can't—he's in that hole he's dug/digging, he's running, he's a teen, emotions bubble up and get shoved down, projected onto me, etc. As much as I can tap into focusing on what I'm doing and what I'm grateful for, there's now this undercurrent in the house—that he said, basically, I don't deserve to be here, and that he does. I don't believe that, but knowing he believes feels that has propelled me to another level of acceptance that he is very different from the person I knew, has a long way to go, and that, truly, I can't reach him in the hole! I would rather not be around him while he digs and digs through the foundation of our tiny 900 square-foot house.
It helped me see that a similar dynamic was at play in many of our past arguments, where his anger would surprise me, and he would try to blame it on me, and I would walk away thinking I caused it. I'm sure I sometimes did not help that anger dissipate in the moment, but now I think I understand that it came from all kinds of places, and I was the only one he could allow himself to be angry around. I didn't cause it--he didn't take ownership of it, didn't try to work through it or understand it, and that pattern is repeating, only now I am to blame for pretty much everything, according to him. Underneath all his bluster is hurt, I think, for the SSM, that is only coming out as anger now, and then whatever else he's been bottling up for a lifetime of trying to make other people happy at his own expense.
So part of this acceptance is also believing there's no M to save currently. I see how much work he needs to do to find peace and happiness within himself, and until he can grow and heal, it would be impossible to have a relationship or friendship. So where does this leave me? Still wanting him to own his decisions, not wanting to help him by choosing D myself or by magically disappearing from the house and his life. I do deserve to be here too. I know it's not easy, the path he has, actually acting on these decisions he's made. But it's draining to imagine living in such close quarters with him for who knows how long.
In the aftermath of last week, I am also realizing I don't know when I need to say or do something to stand up for myself and when I should let things go. When am I walking on eggshells vs. choosing to let something go for my own peace? Telling H I was uncomfortable with someone in the house last week let him know a button he can push. He probably wouldn't have repeated it--why would you want to bring your friends home when your mom is around? So should I have said nothing? At the same time, it's clear he doesn't expect me to ever push back or set a boundary in his house—he thinks he has all the power here.
I guess dig deeper for patience? Hopefully he will be back in the office at some point, and I'll be back at work, and we'll both have a little space again.
Made my weekly loaf of bread. I do enjoy having time enough at home to devote to a full day of dough activity. Folding, resting, shaping. The seeds I started inside are a foot tall now. I spend most of my time in the yard when it's not too hot. I discovered several baby praying mantises in the flower bed in miniature praying form.
Happy Mother's day to all you mothers and caregivers to humans and animals!
