Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Rita]

I owe you a note, DnJ, just time has become a complete blur with trying to work and homeschool. But most of all the constant attacks from H. We had a week of attacks about him moving to one state and then to another in opposite direction and now his broker has started up again writing to me to put the sign back on the house though his contract ends May 19 and no brokers are allowed to do anything except remotely until the governor's orders change. We have a conference on May 20 but his lawyer keeps writing to demand that the marketing period be extended.

None of these people are thinking, gee, I wonder if it's a good time for this woman to have to find a new place to live and for her children to have to move, should they sell the place. Remember where I live and you will see that this is INSANE. I had to prepare for H taking D11 across state lines to his new place in another state four hours away by installing an app on her phone to trace her and being ready to call the police. His lawyer was sending me horrible threatening notes about interfering with visitation and no one seemed aware that we are supposed to be sheltering in place. But amazingly I discovered that the L who did the custody agreement allowed a section saying that I can't move more than 5 miles from my current house but NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT H moving. So I can't even use the custody agreement. I have been advised by domestic abuse center lawyer to get the heck out of divorce court so I can go to family court, where the kids will be protected. She said all that before she knew who my judge is, and when I told her my judge's name, there was this dead silence for a minute, and then she just said, "Oh, God. You HAVE to get out of that courtroom. She hates children." So it wasn't my imagination.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT LITTLE INNOCENT STAND-FOREVER GERDA HAS ENDED UP LIKE THIS?!

OK but the thing I am grappling with now is about fear. I keep trying to figure out what it is I am so afraid of. I know it's a remnant from my own troubled childhood. I always felt terrified of the fighting, was always looking for ways to make everyone calm, to get the house clean, to be sure no one would explode. And if I couldn't, I used to hide inside my closet. I started sleeping on the porch when I was 16, and I threw out almost everything I owned, I wanted nothing tying me there so I could leave the second I was able. And then I learned that if you cut off contact, they couldn't hurt you anymore. So I became this stone when I was around my family, and then when I was able to leave, I left and was able to mostly not contact them. If I opened up a little and they hurt me, I would just stop talking to them again for a while. Once my mom came to see me when I was living in FL after a run-away adventure and I had a panic attack and became feverish to the point of delirium! Now I recreated that, just like your W and my H recreated their triggers. I have cut off contact with H, the one who hurts me. But H keeps sneaking his fingers around the wall to grab at me. I notice that it's the fear that I will have to have contact with him or his L or his broker. I was doing so well when I thought I had bought some time and now that the court date is approaching and the broker is starting up again, I wake up gasping all night, can't sleep, headaches and nausea like the old days.

There are two Gerdas. One is healed, ready for a new life. And one is still petrified of... ? Of the contact with H, just having to see his name or his text or answer another one of his battle calls, unable to break free via divorce and because of his hold on D11. I created a settlement offer that offers him a downpayment and a slow repayment of his share of the equity, with interest, until I can refinance. That all depends of course this moment in history and how the banks will handle our troubles. But I doubt he will say yes to it, so my life is in the hands of the pissy court attorney, and so I am constantly allowing my fear of that to overtake me, of not being able to explain clearly or to convince her to encourage that settlement.

DnJ, you have said that I already went through the worst. H already did everything he could do and I survived.

But it seems like the other stuff will never end. I am afraid he won't accept my settlement offer and I'll have to keep on this way. I am afraid he won't let up with D11 and I will have to go to family court if I ever make it out of divorce court. I am afraid I will never have head space -- whenever I have a couple of days, something from H or his L comes in and I spiral. My best friend pointed out yesterday that I may be like that inside but that outside I appear to be a total bada$$ and that they are more afraid of me! I managed to get custody and get him out of our home, I managed to hold on to my upstate rental business and so far I am still holding on to our downstate rental business. And yet I feel that I live on a constant injection of cortisol and I am miserable with that -- I want to be the other Gerda only!

Another friend whose W went MLC around the same time as my H is done with his D but she keeps starting up again -- she had a baby while the D was going on and married the OM and only has visitation but keeps trying to change that or to influence their schooling, etc. I asked him about it and he said we'll never be totally free of that.

I do not think the peace you have is possible for people like us, with younger kids and a spouse driven to hurt and control us. There is never any chance for lasting peace. I know you will say differently. But just say it as a friend whose friend is crying on your shoulder and not as a dad, this girl needs a hug from a friend her own age.