No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi CWarrior, Sandi, thanks a lot for jumping in.

@ CWarrior, thanks for your post! I feel like I write such long ones only Sandi has the patience to answer me!
Yes I know is not the best NC but I have been stubbornly ignoring the good advice from Sandi for many months and for me being there and not thinking about asking W how she is is a little triumph.

I did have a weak moment there, I am getting back my confidence and self esteem and I hearing her say I was punishing her just reminds me of comments as "you cannot force me to be unhappy next to you for the rest of my life". I will do better next, validation and respect.

I dont have issues with porn, I just dont want to abuse it, when our R was dying I did use it as she would tell me things as we not being in a place where she would feel desire and it just reminds me of those days. I am all devoted to my career, children and myself but it is just hard. Good thing is now with summer lots of cold showers are coming!

@ Sandi, you always speak as clear as water. I will give her that kind of space, I will allow her to miss me and think differently and I wont even stop to play with the kids when I drop or pick them up. She also cried when she told me she had to be in Seville because she could not start over in Munich and despite I dont think she is spoiled, I do think she might have that ability to cry out of nowhere.

Quite a lot happened yesterday, let me tell you but I think I was not too bad.

She asked me to bring her bike when I pick up the children. I know a strong DBer would have told her, is here ready for pickup but I got it in the car and went pick up the kids. I have renewed my wardrobe, I had to because even things I bought last year are now too loose and I was very cheerful.

Her first comment was that I had a pump (implying I should have pumped her wheels up) to what I calmly replied it is inside a wardrobe upper shelf and I did not have the time to get it (no thanks nothing more). I picked up the kids, told them to kiss her goodbye, left immediately. While driving in the car she called me 3 times, I ignored the calls and got home where I had a new bike for my S6 as now we can go out with children 11 to 19pm. I finally called her and it went like this:

W: Hi, can you speak?
Me: Yes how can I help?
W: Why have you left so quickly? I almost couldnt say anything to you. Dont you want to know how your children are?
Me: Of course I want to, I will talk to S6 as we have done so far and catch up with them.
W: Oh so you are going to trust a boy who is 6?
Me: Look W, I dont like the way we have talked the last few occasions, I dont want our R to go that way.
W: But that is the ONE thing I want, to talk about the children. You dont understand.
Me: Well then call me some other day and when they are not here we meet and chat.
W: (babbles something in anger and hangs up)
Me: (wow I handled that so so)

How did I go there? I think I still can improve because I dont have the emotional strength to stop to thing what I want to say when she attacks me, I will get there.
Am I being to harsh by not even wanting to stop with her anymore? I am truly confuse with the friend thing. Some success stories here tell you "it was my claim for unconditional friendship that arose the first feelings back in my W", but to me it just does not come natural, I am still a pension and a visiting father in my own eyes, and she has done nothing to show me she regrets this situation (the other day she went as far as saying "I realised the only thing that did not fit in my life was you". She knows I want to change, improve and fight for our marriage, I have told her a million times and she does not care, her safety and happiness are no longer my problem and I need my own space and boundaries to heal.

I keep talking about exercise but now that I can go out to run it is even better. I renewed my wardrobe, slim pants, new shirts, new t-shirts, shoes... the whole pack and I have forced myself to put on an air of confidence and happiness despite the nights when I cannot sleep and memories destroy me.

I havent heard back from her, maybe she is to proud to ever admit she was wrong and our family is worth putting the effort. We never went to C, never lived appart before the separation, but it has been 6 months now living alone and I dont see a hint of a change in her, too bad because I spend less and less nights thinking about her side of the bed.

Thank you all for your support, please keep posting!

hugs, Packs