Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[may22]

Hi Curtis,

I've been following your sitch for awhile now and see some parallels to my own, if you want to read through any of it (my H had a 2 year long-distance affair, I found out the full extent at the end of December, we had 6 weeks of limbo and discernment counseling, after which he ended his A. It's been almost three months now since he went NC with the AP, and I am slowly seeing loving/romantic behaviors start to surface again, though we haven't addressed the A since we went into quarantine.).

I have some advice for you take or leave that may be slightly different from what you're hearing from others. No disrespect, just sharing my take.

-- I think in your situation, the primary DB-ing rules are fundamental and still very, very important. Focus on yourself. Stop thinking about the future and what she may or may not do. Be present in the moment and drop all your expectations. I think you *think* you've dropped them, but they're still here.

-- Patience is so, so important. Cultivate it like crazy. She's not on the same timeline as you and you have to be OK with that.

-- You need to totally get, in the core of your being, that you have zero control over her. You control you. That is it. I still see you thinking she should be acting in a certain way and she isn't... let it go. Her behavior and thoughts are not within your control.

-- You have to be OK with the fact that she doesn't feel attracted to you right now. In all honesty, how could she? She's been involved in other Rs and is probably in some level of mourning, and she's only been 3 weeks NC with the last guy. And OMG that last situation was incredibly traumatic for everyone including those of us reading here. Imagine how she felt, not only getting herself in a situation like that but also potentially putting her children in danger. I would imagine it will take some time to work through that guilt and shame of that, plus loosening whatever infatuation she had with the OM, before her head clears and she can actually look at you as a potential romantic partner again.

I’m living in a weird reverse limbo. I got BD, she went IHS for 5 months, moved out for 12 months, reversed course, now back to IHS for 1 month. Does that mean in 4 more months we will be in reconciliation? Uggh!!

See how you still have expectations? And yes, it may take four more months. It may take a year. This isn't for the weak! (I have to remind myself of this all the time!)

Today marks 18 months post BD. Still married, W’s back home. It [censored] being married to a roommate. She does random acts of kindness, she leaves her phone out in the open and is no longer glued to it like the past couple years. However, I don’t feel she cares about my feelings. I don’t feel loved, there is no affection.

My suggestion here is to not worry about whether or not she cares about your feelings, whether or not you feel love or affection from her. She needs time and space to get to a place where she could rediscover those feelings... and pressure from you will not help that situation. Focus on loving yourself and your kids. Let go of any expectation that she should be showing you love and affection right now. Yes, it [censored]. But it is what it is.

We watch TV together after the kids go to bed. A couple weeks ago I tried to get closer to her while watching a show. I sat next to her and she became frigid. She got up and said she was going to bed. She said I have expectations of her to jump back together with us. She said she just came out of a traumatic relationship with someone, that she’s changed, and has boundaries now. She said she’s here and we watch shows together at night and that’s all she can give right now. She told me not to push. I calmly replied okay and let her go to bed without pressing the issue. That night I woke up in the early morning and saw things clearly. She has no desire for me. There is no attraction, she is light years from home.

I feel like your ego is a little hurt here. I would totally take what she is saying at face value and stop crying about it. If you can't handle the fact that she isn't cuddling with you on the couch yet, then you have more work to do.

My H has said almost the same things to me, word-for-word, about being present and that being all he could give. I had a hard time with that but eventually (with help from folks on the board) was able to let go and accept that it is what it is, he is where he is, things will get better between us, or they won't. And if they don't, then I can always choose to walk.

Believe me, I know this is really hard. If you read my thread I am having a hard time with it too. However, things ARE getting better, just very slowly.

Finally, I agree that jewelry feels like a romantic gift and that is pressure. Focus on meeting her where she is right now-- sounds like you're doing well in co-parenting. Have fun together with the kids, watch fun TV together, be friends. My DB coach told me a million times to focus on the friendship, that romance is like the fruit of the tree and you don't want to go for the fruit too soon. Water the roots and be patient. And... lose the expectations! I think that will help a lot.

One last thing... as time has gone on, I have been having a harder and harder time reconciling his A with the man I want to be married to and the man he's acting like today. I think I was so focused on saving the M for my kids' sake that I shoved all my feelings about the betrayal etc down deep, and they're starting to surface. I think it is normal but I would just caution that you might start to have similar feelings once she *does* start to show affection etc again.