Truthfully there’s nothing you can really do as far as her viewing you as a safety net. Honestly right now she is 100% sure she’s doing the right thing and believes you always be on the back burner. When you actually move on she will sense it but it will be too late because you moved on. That’s the rub.
As for the COVID questions that’s really your call with zero expectations.
Since BD, I have been working on myself. I've lost 50 lbs, been working out, going to IC and really working connecting on a deeper level with my kids.
Wow! Congrats!
Quote
W wasn't into putting in any effort to work on M. I come from a large, nuclear family and we both have really focused on our family for most of our time together. I think this has unfortunately "invalidated" her background and experience and has led her to want a D in part as a way to "validate" her past, something she has been unable to do on her own.
I don't understand. Is this all your way of trying to make sense of her wanting a D?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The short answer is I do not know exactly why she wants a D, and I may never truly know. But in talking to my IC about my sitch, we both believe she has suppressed whatever issues she has due to her adoption, seeking out her birth family, etc. At this point in her life, she can not suppress it any longer. The timing of her behavioral changes is in sync with her being rejected by her birth mother and newly-found half-siblings. I know this may not be the "reason" she wants a D, and I certainly know and can admit that I am not without fault here.
Thank you for checking in. As far as updates go, Mother's Day went off just fine. W came over and I made brunch. We all ate together. The boys gave her a card with a gift card. After much inner debate with myself, I also gave W a very-basic card with a Starbucks gift card. I simply signed my name to the card, no other greetings, etc. After brunch, I went for a hike and W took the boys to see her mom and dad (they stayed in the car and chatted from a distance). She was here about 6 hours altogether. She thanked me several times while she was here and before she left.
We now both have Fridays off. She does come over for a few hours on Fridays, and I usually make my weekly run out to the stores to stock up on necessities for the house. I was out when she arrived today, and when i walked in she was fiddling underneath that bathroom sink (thinking there was a leak). As I arrived up the stairs she said, "My hands have been hurting lately, I have to get them checked out." She was trying to shut the water off under the sink. I squatted down and turned the valve off. She looked at me smiling and said, "I loosened it for you." I just cracked a smile and went about my business.
She hasn't brought up D or any other R related issues in quite some time. What I described above is the norm as far as how our interactions usually go. I know it means nothing, but quite the difference from 10 months ago right after BD when she couldn't even be anywhere near me and needed to take medication for her blood pressure and anxiety.
As far how I've been doing, I would say fairly well, all things considered. I work out regularly and have kept the weight off. I am on the cusp of a promotion at work, too. I have no idea where this will end up, but I am doing all I can to make sure I am in a better place, no matter what happens.
I know it means nothing, but quite the difference from 10 months ago right after BD when she couldn't even be anywhere near me and needed to take medication for her blood pressure and anxiety.
Right.....and some LBH's want to read a "sign" into the lack of drama his W usually brings with her.
Quote
As far how I've been doing, I would say fairly well, all things considered. I work out regularly and have kept the weight off. I am on the cusp of a promotion at work, too. I have no idea where this will end up, but I am doing all I can to make sure I am in a better place, no matter what happens.
I think that's great! It means you are living the best you can, without depending upon her and whatever she decides. Does that make sense? You don't need her in order to keep your weight off. You don't need her to get a promotion at work. These are the things I think a lot of fresh newcomers have trouble seeing. Maybe you could help some LBH's on the board who are not as far down the road as you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
While communications have remained cordial, if not almost "normal," wife emailed mediator this morning saying she wanted to "move things along." At the very least, I feel as though I am heading for some closure/less of a limbo state. Onward!
I am really sorry about your update But I have been trying to caution you along the ride that this was the likely outcome and part of the process. Keep your head held high and no you will be fine.
Should have added that if anyone has any advice on what to say/not say to W now that we are at this point, I'd love to hear some views on that. Neither of us monstered throughout this process, but being human, there are some things I'd like to get off my chest and say to her. Then again, I don't want to say anything I will regret later.
