Hi KC, I just wanted to pop in and say that I was thinking about you. Sounds like you are finally getting to the point of actually detaching, you sound like you are in a better head space too.
KC, sorry to hear about your dishwasher, and I am glad you were able to get it resolved.
Something you said stands out:
Originally Posted by KitCat
I half halfheartedly asked if he wanted to save me $130 and install it. He said "I can on Saturday I guess". [Saturday is the agreed upon date for him to work on the fence and collect more things].
He has moved out. Has OW. Bought a house. Wants a D. AND, still can't tell me no....
I said 'nah, it will be a couple of weeks before its here and I've paid for install.
You really need to continue to put the focus on you. The sentence above is really:
"He has moved out. Has OW. Bought a house. Wants a D. AND, I still can't stop asking him questions to get his attention."
Why even ask if he wants to save you the install money if you've already paid it? Just to test? Why would his answer change anything between you? He has done all of the above things you listed, whether he is willing to do a favor for you or not. It appears manipulative to ask him that, him answer, and then you say you've paid for it.
KC, sorry to hear about your dishwasher, and I am glad you were able to get it resolved.
Something you said stands out:
Originally Posted by KitCat
I half halfheartedly asked if he wanted to save me $130 and install it. He said "I can on Saturday I guess". [Saturday is the agreed upon date for him to work on the fence and collect more things].
He has moved out. Has OW. Bought a house. Wants a D. AND, still can't tell me no....
I said 'nah, it will be a couple of weeks before its here and I've paid for install.
You really need to continue to put the focus on you. The sentence above is really:
"He has moved out. Has OW. Bought a house. Wants a D. AND, I still can't stop asking him questions to get his attention."
Why even ask if he wants to save you the install money if you've already paid it? Just to test? Why would his answer change anything between you? He has done all of the above things you listed, whether he is willing to do a favor for you or not. It appears manipulative to ask him that, him answer, and then you say you've paid for it.
I see your point. At the time I had asked him - I had NOT paid the fees yet. Texting was happening while I was at store and in process of ordering.
Honestly if the appliance could have been delivered by Saturday I would have let him do the install because he would have already been here. BUT, I will not ask him to make a special trip just to install - that's silly and ABSOLUTELY seems needy.
I have done A LOT of heavy lifting to get him moved out of the house --- it would take him about 20min to install dishwasher.
I do see that I should not have brought it up at all -- Should have kept my mouth shut about the whole thing. I'm not trying to justify any choices I made today. It is what it is. Honestly - I'm not angry, sad, disappointed, or hurt. I don't have any feelings but "ok, its all good" moving on with the rest of my day.
I will take this experience and remind myself the next time I think I should share something... I know its not worth the time to type!
A second night of insomnia... UGH... I'm not anxious or upset or fearful I don't think it has anything to do with H or the situation. I finally fall asleep at 5am only to have to up at 6:30am. Today is going to be rough and the lack of sleep is catching up.
I had a great night last night when a friend from out of state called. I exercised and felt really good.
Today while driving to work I had brief thoughts about H. Spent 5 seconds literally thinking what WAS he doing with OW and his living situation --- then immediately went to "what does it matter?" I can't do anything about it and I can't let it affect me.
I have to go on being me. Working on those things that caused the M to deteriorate. I'm 70% there in forgiving myself. I can't go back and change my interactions that I'm ashamed of but I can stop doing them and understanding how I fell too quickly to the 4 horsemen in conflict.
Truth be told. I really did a lot of 180's and GAL and got to a point where my H was getting the tactile affection he needed from me.... but the underlying factors in dealing with conflict, self internalizing his comments, the wearing down on him from the long hours and commute and taking it out on me... those were not addressed. I'm doing WAY more on my end in working and understanding criticism, flooding, how my my internalized self doubt created hurt in my H which came out as anger.
Taking a deep breath and focusing on work. And, I hope that I can get some sleep tonight!!!!
"He has moved out. Has OW. Bought a house. Wants a D. AND, I still can't stop asking him questions to get his attention."
^^^ EXXXXXAAAACTLY!!!!! ^^^
KC, do you hear that sizzling sound? That's your hand on the hot stove again
Yup... I didn't really get it until SamCal phrased it like that.
I need to answer business questions with the same amount of words AND stop telling him about my business and stop asking him to do ANYTHING.
He will be at the house again on Saturday. I will be cool as a cucumber and aloof. I think I'm better at handling myself in person... I get carried away in texts... get caught up in the back and forth.
But I'm getting it - especially today... I'm driving down the road and for just a few seconds think about H and then was like - "just don't care right now" and kept on driving.
I appreciate the doses of reality. They do really help.
A second night of insomnia... UGH... I'm not anxious or upset or fearful I don't think it has anything to do with H or the situation. I finally fall asleep at 5am only to have to up at 6:30am. Today is going to be rough and the lack of sleep is catching up.
Have you tried over the counter sleep aid like Melatonin?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I had a great night last night when a friend from out of state called. I exercised and felt really good.
That's great! Exercise will also with your sleep.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Today while driving to work I had brief thoughts about H. Spent 5 seconds literally thinking what WAS he doing with OW and his living situation --- then immediately went to "what does it matter?" I can't do anything about it and I can't let it affect me.
Very good self awareness
Originally Posted by KitCat
I have to go on being me. Working on those things that caused the M to deteriorate. I'm 70% there in forgiving myself. I can't go back and change my interactions that I'm ashamed of but I can stop doing them and understanding how I fell too quickly to the 4 horsemen in conflict.
This is excellent self awareness! It took me a long time to forgive myself for my part. What really helped was when I realized that we were all doing the best we could with the tools we had at the time.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Truth be told. I really did a lot of 180's and GAL and got to a point where my H was getting the tactile affection he needed from me.... but the underlying factors in dealing with conflict, self internalizing his comments, the wearing down on him from the long hours and commute and taking it out on me... those were not addressed. I'm doing WAY more on my end in working and understanding criticism, flooding, how my my internalized self doubt created hurt in my H which came out as anger.
I can't go back and change my interactions that I'm ashamed of but I can stop doing them and understanding how I fell too quickly to the 4 horsemen in conflict.
You're making progress breaking the chain of emotional responses. "I feel X I do Y" => "I feel X, I think, I do Y". Between the stimulus and the response there is a gap, a chance to choose our response, our freedom. You didn't break NC to text OW's fiancée when your dishwasher broke. Score! You did break NC to text OW's fiancée when considering installation. Fumble, Reset NC clock. Once you go NC, OW's fiancée will get a chance to miss you and realize which problems remain or repeat even when he's not interacting with you.
A little more sleep last night than the previous two. I do take sleep aids every night but they don't always work. Still wish I could have stayed in bed another hour but its time to trudge into work.
Still exercising every day though last night I only did 30min rather than the regular 50min. The rain is sucking my motivation today and all I can think about is crawling into bed again ---- maybe coffee can inspire me?
I feel at peace. I'm not anxious lately. My friends have been great but my two besties live so far away. I wish I could hang out with them as it would be a greater comfort - I think even more so with this pandemic the NOT being about to go out publicly to socialize has been soul crushing.
I think I will plan to visit each of them this summer. I love dropping "my friend with the yacht"... LOL. It's really a sailboat but its length is the minimum to be in the yacht classification. When he retires he is planning on sailing the world. He is currently trying to talk me into joining forces and making it a life on the seas! I love this man - not in the sense I love my H. We have been through a lot in our 40yr friendship and thick as thieves! Our Freshman year English teacher gave us nicknames that we still use with each other every day. :-) He has been my rock through all this.
I'm looking forward to him taking me on his boat this summer but it requires waiting for the opening of the borders as its currently docked in Mexico.
My other bestie and I pick blueberries every summer in MI. I hope this is a good year for them. Looking forward to that too. The ones you pick yourselves always taste the best!
Currently counting down the hours my work for the day is done and I can crawl back under the covers!
Cute little white top with nips showing... H will not be able to look away... that man loved my boobs... LOL.
He will be here shortly to work on the fence and move out more items. I'm cool as a cucumber. I know that I can only work on and change myself.... I have no control of his thoughts, his plans, his idea of happiness or his future. That is all up to him. BUT, I can make him doubt... I can make him question by being the amazing person I am and should have been in our M. I can smile beautifully today and give off those vibes and sense of self confidence from our first date... he was sooooo nervous that night.
For any future for our M two things have to happen. 1) I have to get it. I do. I'm working through my guilt and shame. I'm owning my short comings and where I could have been more kind. I'm putting myself in my H's shoes and seeing where he started to feel like a paycheck and just a means to end. I can see how he was burnt out on the commute. I can approach him and our M with new found respect and dedication.
2) He has to be willing to risk it again. --- This I have no control of - this is where I walk away and let him figure out his own crap. ^^^^ That's hard to do but I accept it. I'm letting him go to figure it out as painful and hard as it is.
I'm moving forward. Accepting where things are at currently. But, I can hope he drives away today thinking #$&*$# what did I just walk away from...
Hugs to everyone out there today. Keep me in your thoughts as I trudge through this Saturday.
