A second night of insomnia... UGH... I'm not anxious or upset or fearful I don't think it has anything to do with H or the situation. I finally fall asleep at 5am only to have to up at 6:30am. Today is going to be rough and the lack of sleep is catching up.
I had a great night last night when a friend from out of state called. I exercised and felt really good.
Today while driving to work I had brief thoughts about H. Spent 5 seconds literally thinking what WAS he doing with OW and his living situation --- then immediately went to "what does it matter?" I can't do anything about it and I can't let it affect me.
I have to go on being me. Working on those things that caused the M to deteriorate. I'm 70% there in forgiving myself. I can't go back and change my interactions that I'm ashamed of but I can stop doing them and understanding how I fell too quickly to the 4 horsemen in conflict.
Truth be told. I really did a lot of 180's and GAL and got to a point where my H was getting the tactile affection he needed from me.... but the underlying factors in dealing with conflict, self internalizing his comments, the wearing down on him from the long hours and commute and taking it out on me... those were not addressed. I'm doing WAY more on my end in working and understanding criticism, flooding, how my my internalized self doubt created hurt in my H which came out as anger.
Taking a deep breath and focusing on work. And, I hope that I can get some sleep tonight!!!!
