Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[curtis7]

Ok. I’m confused. Have you talked about reconciliation or are you under the assumption you are? I thought she was just staying there because of COVID?

If you’re confused, imagine how I feel. No talk about reconciliation, I may have made that assumption when she went NC with OM3. Over the past few weeks I’ve been monitoring her words and actions and have convinced myself this is not reconciliation, at least not what I think it should be. I don’t know why she is staying here now, but she doesn’t seem to have intentions of returning to her affair house. It’s confusing as all get out.

LH19 is blunt but his comment rings true.

I’m even more blunt.
She has had 3 separate affairs, pretty much blames them on you and she gets to slide right back in and on her terms.
Woah.

CW / Ginger, that about sums it up. Add to it that she won’t talk about her affairs, give a real apology, or show any affection towards me. I’m disappointed to be back in a different form of limbo, but not too down about it.

She is 2000 Light Years from Home...

Nef, you got that right! Your posts really give me pause to think.

Today marks 18 months post BD. Still married, W’s back home. It [censored] being married to a roommate. She does random acts of kindness, she leaves her phone out in the open and is no longer glued to it like the past couple years. However, I don’t feel she cares about my feelings. I don’t feel loved, there is no affection.

We watch TV together after the kids go to bed. A couple weeks ago I tried to get closer to her while watching a show. I sat next to her and she became frigid. She got up and said she was going to bed. She said I have expectations of her to jump back together with us. She said she just came out of a traumatic relationship with someone, that she’s changed, and has boundaries now. She said she’s here and we watch shows together at night and that’s all she can give right now. She told me not to push. I calmly replied okay and let her go to bed without pressing the issue. That night I woke up in the early morning and saw things clearly. She has no desire for me. There is no attraction, she is light years from home.

There have been positive signs from my W. Last week she talked about something being at her house. Then she referred to it as “I guess you would call it the rental now.” I asked “How’s the rental going, making any money on it?” She laughed and said “Not really.” W has been looking at several decorating ideas for our house. She showed me some pictures and I commented on a spiral staircase and said that could be in the next house as she always wanted an upstairs. She replied this is the last house (referring to our marital home), there won’t be another. W wants to start a tile project in an arched niche in the hallway. She showed me several design options and said we could make it a family project and work on it together with the kids. Finally, W has written several future projects on a whiteboard in the house that she is interested in.

I’ve noticed that she has a tendency to throw herself into many tasks simultaneously when she is trying to distract herself, probably from having to deal with her past proclivities and the current state of our MR. Perhaps she is mourning the breakup with OM3. She has reached 3 weeks NC with him. However, W is regularly and easily stressed, I try to relieve some of her burdens and show that she is loved.

I’m living in a weird reverse limbo. I got BD, she went IHS for 5 months, moved out for 12 months, reversed course, now back to IHS for 1 month. Does that mean in 4 more months we will be in reconciliation? Uggh!!

Personally I’m doing good and keeping my spirits high. Working out 5 times a week in my garage gym. Back to playing volleyball a couple times a week with a smaller quarantine group. Playing and riding bikes with the kids. Today I played my first round of golf since pre-BD (used to play at least once a month).

I bought W a nice set of earrings for Mother’s Day and helped the kids make some gifts. No expectations that will change her feelings towards me. We’ll see how things develop over time as my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see if she makes it a priority.