Well. after my last episode of feeling like sh1t, and finally feeling like we're another step closer to D after our talk, the last few days I have changed my attitude about interacting with H. I don't even want to talk to him like he's the friendly neighborhood cashier anymore. I don't even want to make small talk. I'm not sure if I want to save my M at this point.
Yesterday H called and asked about Mother's Day plans, "Are you planning on visiting your mother and I'll just go visit mine." I said yeah that sounds good. And then he said that I've been withdrawn and not communicative - accusing me of not telling him about xyz event regarding childcare when I DID - and then bringing up last time when he accused me of saying something dismissive to him when I DID NOT.....whatever. I rejected his statements but did not engage further.
A big thing that happened in our convo was that I told him I've told my parents about our sitch. He did not sound happy about it but he kept cool and stated that he would appreciated if I had given him notice. I told him that I'd like to tell his parents also, but for right now I will let him decide what to do.
I don't know if he knows this. but no, I no longer want to play family with him in front of my parents and his. His access to my side of family (which he loves) is gone. When papers are filed, nothing is going to be kept under wraps. Friends and even acquaintances will know. People at work will know.
I told him yesterday that we will be gone this weekend, let me know if you want to take the kids out for dinner. H called me today and said let's do dinner tomorrow. I said sure, you can take them to this and that restaurant. He said let's all go together. I hesitated. I don't really want to be part of it. He can has his time with the kids, I don't need to be there. But I agreed anyway. I feel like this is the part where I need to learn to draw the line - H has the idea that we will still be friends and hang out with the kids together after D, but that won't happen. maybe 5 or 10 years later we can be "friends," but I don't want to be his friend right now.
ironically after our D talk, this is the most we've talked since weeks ago. H has called every day so far. they were short calls, there's always something he's calling me about, but not totally necessary. weird.
