Just discovered the forum. Read through most of the stickys and the newcomer advice. Combed through a lot of the posts. Had my first coaching session today and a copy of DR is on the way. I just wanted to share my story too. I definitely hit rock bottom and am starting the path to be better, and I know I need to do this for me, but I'm wondering if you all think there's any hope here. Or do I really need to let go.
W and I have been married for almost three years, together for almost seven. Last weekend, BD - after I asked "You want a divorce?", she responded with "I don't want to but I think it's inevitable." Up to that point, we had been fighting a lot, and normally we wouldn't fight, just not talk about issues. She is the one who is the communicator and I would either resist or not bring things up unless she did first.
Here's the lead-up. We have pretty different personalities - she is more structured and logical and I am more emotional and free-spirited. Met at work and bonded over that shared passion. I have changed and no longer share that passion. Sex during the honeymoon phase was great. Six months in, she went through a really traumatic event involving her family. Sex stopped. It was too painful for her. Instead of being supportive, I got angry. That was the beginning of our sexless relationship. We ignored it for a long time, somehow moved in together, got engaged, married and went through a several year period where we just didn't talk about it. She would be the one to bring it up, but I would I shut down and wasn't willing to communicate about it at all. Then we'd just move on and pretend nothing happened. All this time, we started to live our own lives. We are both very independent people and our relationship transformed into one of roommates. I ignored this. The sex issue for me was p**n-related, but I was ashamed to come clean to her. It was only recently that I admitted this, and she felt really betrayed - it was very much why didn't you tell me sooner, maybe we could have done something about it then. We've always been really good friends. The lovers part is what's been missing.
After the honeymoon, two years ago, she first drops the bomb that she's unhappy and something needs to change. We went to marriage counseling, but it was with someone who was not qualified to deal with our problems. She was much more "why" oriented than solution-oriented. She also ended up becoming my individual therapist. I had a lot of issues from my past and childhood that I needed to work through and she actually was very helpful in that regard. Therapist tried to work on the sex issue with us, but didn't have a lot of solutions for us. If anything, she just helped us understand why each of us is the way we are because of our childhoods and personalities.
Fast-forward to a few months ago. I tend to make changes when my back is against the wall. Things initially got better when we first started working with the first therapist (except for sex), but I got complacent. Also by this time we had had sex a few times but it was not great. The spark was missing and we were trying to do it to get pregnant, which didn't work. Her trust in me had been a big issue, and I did a few things to violate that. She is big into trust. There was the p**n issue. She caught me lying about little things. The big one (and I think the straw) was her thinking I was saving up for a down payment for our house most of last year, when I was using the money for something else for myself. When she found out I had not saved anything, that was when the talk turned to "we need to think about separation." - This was in February. I found us another therapist at my suggestion.
Then the quarantine started. Things were not great already, and here we were in the same space together all the time. Barely talked. And when we did, it was fighting about the same things. Finally, last weekend she said she had prayed about it and thought about it a lot and that she was 100% sure D is what she wants. She has said this a few times since also. We had had some individual sessions with the new therapist, who I wished we had found initially. W has told therapist she is absolutely sure this is what she wants and hopes therapist can guide us through the process. W also found an apartment already and signed a lease (a few days after the BD).
There is no affair. I know this for sure. This was a lead-up of a lot of little things. I emotionally neglected her and the marriage. I wanted to live like a single guy husband. It was my first serious relationship and I've been immature and wanted to have my cake and eat it too. She gave me a second chance and while things got better for a little bit, they reverted back to her being unhappy. Or she never got to that happiness.
Another thing is she has constantly looked for other jobs to better our situation. I was content with the job I have had since we first met - I make decent money but could make more. When I did apply for and get offered another job last summer, I turned it down because it would have interfered with the thing I was funneling down-payment money into (essentially, a side business that will hopefully be fruitful one day but not anytime soon - this is something she is resentful about because I decided to do it myself without planning with her). About a month after that, she gets a way better job. From her perspective, she's done all the sacrifice for us. She has also said that she feels like the parent in the relationship, and she doesn't trust that I want to have kids (something that means a lot to her) even though I do (my actions have demonstrated a lot of hesitation).
I also spend a lot of my time at my job doing the side-business thing. To her, it's unethical (she used to do the same job and knows what goes into it). She has said she doesn't think I have a good work ethic and that it's hard for her to be attracted to me because of that. Because of all of these issues put together.
In the last few days, there has been warmth from her. She is normally very stoic, but she has cried a lot in my presence and around me the last few days (I'm chalking this up to guilt). I do think there is a tiny bit of hesitation on her part but she is someone who does not make decisions lightly. She is very deliberate and does not change her mind, especially about big things. I think she is too proud to ever change her mind on something like this. I initially avoided her then did some crying around her, but within the past few days I have been more poised and adopted a strong, accepting attitude towards her. Not cold but not too warm either. Just trying to be friendly and supportive to a limited extent.
I do still want to be married to her and save it if possible, but I also realize it may be too far gone and that I've done a lot of damage - broken her trust, wasted her prime baby-making years, and been selfish. Is it too far gone and how do I best proceed?
