And then it was over.

[SteveLW]

Welcome to the board. These things are not easy. Most of our instincts are wrong. When we find out our spouse is unhappy or wants to leave, or when we find out they are in an affair, we usually do the wrong things.

We:

- Become super spouse, doing everything around the house, catering to their ever whim
- We make changes. If they complained we never took care of our appearance, we begin to. If they said we were moody, we become super sweet.
- We beg, plead, try to reason, try to get them to agree to things (please consider us while you are planning to leave) etc.

LH is right. His affair never ended. Even if they took a 3 week break, in the back of his mind he was going to reach out to her at some point and restart it. Likely he has two goals: leave the marriage but be able to look his kids and the eye and claim he tried (thus the 3 weeks), and get out with as little resistance as possible.

So what can you do? First have you read The Divorce Remedy? If not get it and read it. Next you want to remove all pressure and pursuit. This is goal #1. If you feel the urge to do something, stop and ask yourself "does this fall under pressure and pursuit?" If yes, then do no do it. If maybe, do not do it. If you have any doubt, do not do it! Remember, doing nothing IS doing something. Most things you will be tempted to do are pressure and pursuit. So default to doing nothing.

Be busy. Keep yourself occupied with things that do not include him. Go for long walks. Read. Go for car rides. Meet (even if virtually in our current world) with friends and family. (DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR SITUATION, these actions are to get away from your situation.)

Keep working on you. Keep making positive changes to you. Not for him or the marriage, but for yourself. Become the best version of you that you can be! Get into IC.

And then work on healthy, emotional detachment. Study what that means. Nothing was as useful in my situation as not reacting the way she expected me to to what she said and did! If you can successfully detach, I think you will be surprised at the changes in him.

Follow good anti-DB principles. Do not share your bed with a cheater. I would move him out of the MBR. Doesn't matter where he sleeps as long as it it not with you. In most jurisdictions you can't kick him out legally. You can ask him to leave if that is what you want. Never do anything in an attempt to manipulate him or get him to change. That is pressure and pursuit.

Keep posting, we are here to help.