A typical Cliche

[sandi2]

I wasn't going to say anything about it, but it really bothers me about that website claiming Christian therapy........and that you had been set up with an IC with/through that religious organization. You said you weren't religious, but that you didn't mind. Well, I took a look at the site. It is about religion, alright, but it's Islam, not Christian.

I appreciate you taking the time to write more about your MR. I am seldom at a loss for words, but when you describe yourself, it leaves me pretty close to it. (As you'll see, I overcame it.) Actually, I am filled with many, many questions. I don't expect you to answer them, if you'd rather not, but there seems so many holes in your story, that it's hard to understand. I'm not saying I don't believe you. I just don't understand how you apparently know what you did wrong in your MR........but did you know it at that time, or did it simply dawn on you when your W started acting like Girls Gone Wild? It's one thing for a man to not know how to treat his W, and it's quite another thing for him to know-- but chooses not to treat her well. You have said things that made me wonder if you were never educated in what women need emotionally, and to feel loved by her H. You talked about your control issues, but all those behaviors didn't come from a need to control. Some of your actions said you simply didn't care enough to put forth an ounce of energy to make your W feel cherished, to feel beautiful, or to show you were proud of her. Look, most men need a little education when it comes to understanding women's needs. People aren't born knowing this stuff.

What does a little boy experience in his life that leads to complete negativity about everything around him? What happened in your childhood to cause so much insecurity, and form this man who says he doesn't know how to act or respond to things that most of people would consider a natural human response? Nobody can tell you why you didn't have any friends? What made you different, Illidin?

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The only thing I've seen successfully work in WW cases, is when the H applies tough love.

Ive seen you say this a lot to people but I will admit Im never sure what you mean by it.

Ever thought about looking it up? I didn't invent the term.

When I read you stitch you made of a point of saying your husband gave you all the space you needed. and it took a long time for you to stop what you were doing, You considered leaving but ultimately you feared your financial security. At the end of day you stayed in the same home as your husband and children. Maybe I misunderstood it or misread though.

Oh goodness! You summed it up pretty well, with only a few words. My story is way too long to read. Frankly, I don't think reading my old story could be very helpful. I'd much rather you read what I learned........and what I've continued to learn the past 13 yrs. When I arrived on the board, I was wayward and conducting myself in shameful ways. I was trying to make up my mind to stay or leave. (Let me inject this: I may be wrong, but the way you said that part in the quote, I felt like you were trying to throw that up to me about my H. As if to say, your H didn't get tough, and it took a long time, and you stayed with him.) It's important that you understand that it wasn't my H who was here getting the tools to save the M. You can't look at him as an example of what you need to do. Yes, he eventually backed off and gave me space (which means he stopped applying emotional pressure)........and yes, I stayed with him, but it wasn't b/c he had the sure fire secret to winning back a WW! Over the years, I've had several LBH's ask what my H did to get me to change my mind and stay in the M. They wanted to read my sitch to see how he won me back. Truth is, he was just about as clueless as most other LBH's. He was a kind, good man.....but clueless. But, listen to what I'm saying........he wasn't the one here. I was.

I'm not sure what you mean by it taking a long time to stop what I was doing. I mean, I don't know how much time period you are referring to, but I'll say that any time spent living like that, is too much. I really can't remember right now how long I was messaging other guys, and being a very naughty girl. Less than six months, I'd guess, but not sure. ( I was pretty fogged out of my mind.) I was in an A about nine months. I don't know if that's what you meant. Actually, it was what I had to go through, after the A, that took a long time........the withdrawals, healing, forgiving, etc.

The board occasionally has a wayward spouse to join, but not often. So, I had quite a few people who were interested in hearing from the other side of the street, so to speak. They thought maybe I could enlighten them about their own W. It wasn't just one-sided, b/c I have learned a lot from the LBH's, that I never learned from my own H. They would share thoughts they had about why their W felt & did what she did. Most of the time, they were way off base and didn't know much about the mindset of a WW, but we learned from each other. I really dug in and started reading everything I could find on WW's. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that the spouse who shows up here, is the one who gets the information on what they need to do about saving their MR. You can't teach someone who isn't here. See what I mean? It didn't have anything to do with what my H did. It had to do with me. I had to fix myself before I could fix my MR........and that took a considerable amount of time. We don't ever reach the point that we can stop working on our MR, if we want a good one. Now, before you ask about getting your WW to come join the board or read the book......no! Just.....don't.

So..........aren't you glad I was lost for words?