Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[may22]

Hey Pommy,

I know you'll be cautious and careful as you move into this next stage. I feel that by the time your H MO, you really were seeing the gaps between his behavior and what you want and deserve in an H. Hold onto that and don't accept less. It may take time to get there and if I can give one piece of advice, patience is what you need in spades!! It takes time and work to get from where he was, both in terms of the choices he made and his behavior towards you, and where you want to be.

Don't let yourself get discouraged too quickly. Just because he is saying this is how he feels-- and there is no reason to doubt this is how he does feel-- he'll slide and question his decision, you'll slide and question yours, and time and consistency are both really important ingredients. I think the same rules of believing little of what they say and only half of what they do still apply for awhile through this, as well as not letting your own emotions drive your decisions-- good or bad. Just like you didn't react emotionally and boot him out at the first drop of a hat, you also don't want the positive feelings of what he's saying now to cause you to bring him back too quickly.

I would recommend journaling, if you aren't already, either through this or separately, so that you can track his behavior and see how it changes over time. That has been helpful for me when I get frustrated to go back and realize that things HAVE improved quite a bit, even though it is hard to recognize on a day to day basis because it feels slow.

I totally agree with WF on the power dynamic. You need to change this as the power has been in his court for too long, and you need to take that back I think both to facilitate the reconciliation but also for the health of your R in the long-term. He can't jerk you around. If this is the decision he is making, he needs to make it and stick with it and show you through his behaviors that he is in it for the long haul. And let him be the one to bring up R talks. You don't want to come off like you're happily taking him back just because he said it would be so, or pushing for it now that he's said what he's said. This is your decision too, he took a pretty major step of MO and you need to do what is healthy and right for you and the kids, not just accede to his desires and his timeline.

If it gives you strength around taking it slow-- as hard as it would be on you if he moved back in only to change his mind again in some weeks or months... think of how hard it would be on your children. Be sure you can trust before you take that step that you're not setting them up for whiplash emotions either.

Think on your boundaries. Your boundaries will be different from anyone else's so spend some time thinking about what is your line of what you will and won't accept, and what you're willing to accept for now as long as there is change in the right direction. Once you find your boundary, stick to it.

This might not be a fun question but: what is up with his EA? Is there any reason to believe that there is information you don't know about it/her? Has he been in contact with her while on lockdown and is there any possibility that it went farther than he had previously admitted to? I'm not saying to confront him on this now, unless the information would change how you respond (and assuming you can trust him to be honest). I'm just saying there was a time when we both had Hs with long-distance EAs, and I wrote to someone on here that I was 99.9% positive it never went physical... and then I was so, so wrong. I guess I'm saying that once you guys decide to R I think that the road will be a lot easier if you start out with total transparency. I still don't have that with my H-- I still have unanswered questions about whether they saw each other in other cities, how they communicated, and what exactly happened between them when he broke it off with her-- but I will say that time is helping me not to worry about these quite so much, I'm focused more on his behavior and the interactions between us, and I know we'll get there eventually. But, I do think that *I* would be farther along if he'd answered those questions back in January/February.

You might read through Blu's thread and Alison's -- I think both have good perspectives on the difficulties of R and piecing. (Lots of good advice on my thread too if you want to read it there.)

And finally... I'm glad to hear you got some too You go, sister! Do I recall correctly that you also had an SSM? I think this will be an important area for healing for you both if I do remember that correctly.

Stay the course. You got this. And yes, let's have a virtual G&T. I just switched over to the Botanist from Hendricks as my gin of choice and it is very tasty.