CW, thank you, that is kind of you to say. I have never felt pride in my work the way I do now. Being a nurse has felt more like a job and when I leave work most days, I clock out and put it behind me. Even tho our ICU pts are still critical in the same way, there is a greater sense of purpose because we are supporting the community at large.
neffer, how sweet, thank you. You know, I can see the similarities in your writings. You strike me as a very warm and open-minded person. That is what attracted me to my H initially. I am the more fiery and strong-willed one. So we either complement each other greatly or it (was) a complete disaster :-)
May, I am trying to still follow your thread and am rooting for your M! I feel like there is a lot I can learn from you and your sitch. You have some qualities that I lack but can appreciate and work towards myself. You seem to have more sympathy, patience and understanding for your H. I hope that the shelter in place can bring you guys closer together as well.
Hi dilly. You are correct and I have been quite candid about my disappointments in my H and my M. I think we all have these bottom lines and unwritten rules in our mind about what we could and couldn't accept in our relationships. For so many years of my life, my M was my primary R and I believed that any type of infidelity was a deal breaker for me. I honestly thought that even a brief EA, or lies about his feelings towards any other woman, would be the death of our M. I thought I could see past other betrayals -- around dishonesty, family, work, or money -- but certainly not romantic feelings.
Not only did my H have a full blown A, and for an extended time, but it was with someone I considered a close friend. It was also at a vulnerable time in my life -- my fathers last years of his life were traumatic and too much to get into here. He had a severe neurological disorder and deteriorated in a nursing home. We also had the additional trauma of my (then teen) daughter being diagnosed bipolar and not being able to manage it or even keep her safe. She would jump out of the window in the middle of the night and run away. Also, too much to get into here. And this was the time he had an affair? When I was vulnerable and needed him the most? I should also add that my eldest D (now 21 yo) is not his bio child. I was a single mom and we met when she almost 3. I say this because while our hardships and M problems certainly had a huge impact on him, it was my own D and my father that I was losing. Our younger 2 Ds were healthy and did not have struggles.
I say all of this because I am trying to emphasize the gravity of it all and his betrayal. We get married and vow "in sickness and in health" because we are choosing a partner in life to see us through it all. The honeymoon is short lived and life evolves in ways we could never anticipate, especially when there are children, job changes, financial hardships, ailing parents or when life just svcks sometimes. We need our spouse the most when we actually NEED them. So when I needed him, is when he stabbed me in the back the abandoned me. I don't think most women would have taken him back TBH.
So dilly, no, life did not turn out the way I expected. I never expected I would have a bipolar child, lose my dad at 71 and that my H would have an A with a "good friend" and break apart my family at my lowest point. I could have never, ever have even imagined this craziness or that it would be my life story. ... but he came back .... and he said he was sorry ... and he meant it .... and I do believe he has changed ... I do also believe he is a really good person, who made a terrible mistake .... and maybe he made the mistake because life got so hard and he didn't know how to support me, and he lacked his own coping mechs, and OW was on the side giving him that support ... maybe that is why he had the A -- because life was hard -- and he didn't know how to take care of our family so he ran .... I could speculate forever, but I have already done that, and there is no reason to do that again now.
Understanding and forgiving my H for his betrayal has been a herculean effort. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than my father's death and harder than raising a bipolar kid. I don't taking him back makes me a better person. I don't even advise that most people here should do the same if given the opportunity. If a spouse can ditch you when life gets rough then why sign up for that again? ... I see that I was given a choice and that I made a difficult one to take him back. My own personal happiness and life satisfactions reflect so much more than just that tho. That is just one part of my history, but will never be the focal point. It may be hard to tell from my writings, but I am not bitter nor am I defensive. That doesn't serve me. I actually appreciate your comment/questions because it challenges me to think and I like that. If there is anything I want people to take away from my story it is simply to let go. There is no reason to hang on to a person that doesn't want you. Be your best without them. If they come around and show you someone that loves you, values you and wants you, then you can decide if you want to let them back in. I am fortunate that my H was able to really look at his mistakes, be willing to change and make amends. Not everyone has the opportunity to save their M. I also think that if I had moved on a created a new life without him, that that decision would be just as honorable.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
