HIgh Levels of Acceptance

[sage]

Bigtime itchy butt syndrome at our house last night...both of us, actually! I won't analyze h's case of it...but mine was about personalizing stuff, putting a spin on his actions/words, etc. It ended just fine, though...we were sitting in the tv room each silent and locked in our own annoyances and Johnny Damon made a ridiculously bad play in the red sox game...h couldn't stop himself from motioning me to watch the replay...I couldn't stop myself from saying sorry and ILY etc.

BASEBALL saves the DAY!

Positives:
That.

Went out to dinner with my dad and stepmom. Yikes! They've had their ups and downs in their m....definitely in a down cycle right now. Stepmom just called for a debriefing and I gave her my best DB and Men are from Mars advice (without being overbearing, I swear!). Anyway...I haven't been spending much time with them of late so it was good to reconnect with them.

h has more ideas about the house! AWESOME!

I like my cainercast from today:
You are now being taken back over ground that you think you have already covered. The cosmos clearly wants to teach you a lesson about some deal that you did in the past and show you how you can now go forward to make a similar arrangement but this time, far more profitably. That's all immensely positive. Why then, do you feel a little unhappy and awkward? Because before you can stride with confidence to a fine future, you must return to a difficult memory with a degree of real humility. What you come to understand though, will prove to be worth its weight in gold.


It's funny...all this talk about the house and reconnecting with h is SCARY to me...I can feel myself in "protective mode". See, a few years before the bomb I remember h and I being very, very happy. We had had some good fortune and spent time talking about how to improve the house, expand it, do work inside, etc. Then, what, a year or so later we're stuck in bomb mode????

Why am I still stuck in my mind about letting go, believing, looking forward? Is it because I make these absurd connections in my head? Being really happy and planning a future with h ultimately equals a bomb dropping?

That's NOT it, right???

Sage - still looking for the KEY that says "this is what happened that led to that that led to this that led to the bomb."

Something on Slowly's thread made me think...particularly when combined with my feeling that I'm holding back from h....are we each waiting for the other to recommit?

What's the painful memory that I have to revisit? that I didn't give my whole self to my m out of fear?

Sage