Bigtime itchy butt syndrome at our house last night...both of us, actually! I won't analyze h's case of it...but mine was about personalizing stuff, putting a spin on his actions/words, etc. It ended just fine, though...we were sitting in the tv room each silent and locked in our own annoyances and Johnny Damon made a ridiculously bad play in the red sox game...h couldn't stop himself from motioning me to watch the replay...I couldn't stop myself from saying sorry and ILY etc.
BASEBALL saves the DAY!
Positives: That.
Went out to dinner with my dad and stepmom. Yikes! They've had their ups and downs in their m....definitely in a down cycle right now. Stepmom just called for a debriefing and I gave her my best DB and Men are from Mars advice (without being overbearing, I swear!). Anyway...I haven't been spending much time with them of late so it was good to reconnect with them.
h has more ideas about the house! AWESOME!
I like my cainercast from today: You are now being taken back over ground that you think you have already covered. The cosmos clearly wants to teach you a lesson about some deal that you did in the past and show you how you can now go forward to make a similar arrangement but this time, far more profitably. That's all immensely positive. Why then, do you feel a little unhappy and awkward? Because before you can stride with confidence to a fine future, you must return to a difficult memory with a degree of real humility. What you come to understand though, will prove to be worth its weight in gold.
It's funny...all this talk about the house and reconnecting with h is SCARY to me...I can feel myself in "protective mode". See, a few years before the bomb I remember h and I being very, very happy. We had had some good fortune and spent time talking about how to improve the house, expand it, do work inside, etc. Then, what, a year or so later we're stuck in bomb mode????
Why am I still stuck in my mind about letting go, believing, looking forward? Is it because I make these absurd connections in my head? Being really happy and planning a future with h ultimately equals a bomb dropping?
That's NOT it, right???
Sage - still looking for the KEY that says "this is what happened that led to that that led to this that led to the bomb."
Something on Slowly's thread made me think...particularly when combined with my feeling that I'm holding back from h....are we each waiting for the other to recommit?
What's the painful memory that I have to revisit? that I didn't give my whole self to my m out of fear?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I doubt any of this will help as I probably learned it from you!
But this past weekend on mom and I's drive home from the state finals we were talking about my marriage.
My mom has been known to hold major grudges and she didn't like my first h and didn't speak to me for several years after I married him. She told me about the time she got to liking him I left him.
She told me that she has always liked David from the beginning. That was interesting to hear, as she didn't speak to him at first either. So I am guessing she meant after she started talking with him.
But I did want to be sure how she would feel about him if we turned our marriage around.
She said she was fine with David, likes him still but she just hopes he doesn't do this to me again if we turn the marriage around.
I told her, I didn't think he would, but if we did turn it around. That was something I wasn't going to watch for, expect, or hold against him. That I have spent enough of my life being unhappy and I intend to make the most of the rest of it. IF that includes David, I am going to make the most of that R. Remember trust is for yourself because it is how you want to live.
You already know you will be fine if it were to happen again, and I think it is time Ms. Sage was all the way out on the rope even if she has to cross to her h's side! Although I think he is on the rope as well.
I hope this made a bit of sense to you and didn't sound patronizing. I think it is all in the perspective. I am facing never having the chance to build what you have with your H with David and that makes me realize how I would want to live if I had the opportunity.
I know your brain keeps hanging onto this, but kick it! I KNOW you can.
Live your life to the full joyful potential that is there for you!!! Your future is bright, promising and beautiful.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
What a beautiful gift you have given me! Your thoughtful (and wise and kind!) post brought tears to my eyes.
Quote:
I told her, I didn't think he would, but if we did turn it around. That was something I wasn't going to watch for, expect, or hold against him. That I have spent enough of my life being unhappy and I intend to make the most of the rest of it. IF that includes David, I am going to make the most of that R. Remember trust is for yourself because it is how you want to live.
If I wasn't already certain of your growth and graciousness that this paragraph would have sealed the deal.
THIS is what moving on and letting go and forgiving is about Pam. Thank you so much for showing me!
Quote: You already know you will be fine if it were to happen again, and I think it is time Ms. Sage was all the way out on the rope even if she has to cross to her h's side! Although I think he is on the rope as well.
Yah, he's on the rope, too! I just wish he'd stop jumping up and down trying to knock me off! (kidding!)
Quote: I hope this made a bit of sense to you and didn't sound patronizing. I think it is all in the perspective. I am facing never having the chance to build what you have with your H with David and that makes me realize how I would want to live if I had the opportunity.
Patronizing? NO WAY.
Thank you for reminding me to appreciate the opportunity I have been given.
Quote: Live your life to the full joyful potential that is there for you!!! Your future is bright, promising and beautiful.
BEARS REPEATING!!!!
What a tremendous day brightener (and gentle whack!) your post has been for me!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: think it was also that after the bomb dropped I took a good look at ME and realized how much pressure and anger and impatience and intolerance I was bringing into the m. -- all under the guise of "getting things done" or "doing things the RIGHT way". I was doing a lot of meditating on compassion at the time and I just realized how much it must have hurt my h to be perceived as so darned WRONG all the time. What IS so wrong about what he does on a daily basis? VERY little, actually.
Thank you so much for sharing. This helps...AND...I went and checked out Ruiz' books! My bookstore didn't carry "Mastery of Love" but it did carry the "Four Agreements". I love it so far! Be true to your word, don't personalize, don't assume, do your best. Four simple concepts that are SO powerful that they alone will do wonders for my own personal freedom. Thank you, thank you.
Also, thank you for holding my hand yesterday. The whole thing is very scary and I really appreciate all the time you invested yesterday.
Sage - still looking for the KEY that says "this is what happened that led to that that led to this that led to the bomb."
Don't we kindda need to though? in order not to get there again?
Minnie -- well, yah, we need to know the factors that contributed but I was sort of poking fun at myself that I keep looking for the laundry list:
we were happy you did this I did this you did this I did this you did this - twice! etc
There was a time pre-bomb when h and I seemed very happy -- at least I thought we were. then, I dunno, it gets blurry...we stopped hanging out together as much, money got tighter which probably made me worry, ow entered as a "friend" sometime during that period, I started feeling angry and scared, h felt...on and on.
but who really knows the true sequence of events?
I guess what I most wonder is this...if h had felt happy in our m. would ow's presence have mattered? And if h felt unhappy, what was he unhappy about? and did ow's presence (as a friend) make him feel less happy with me (comparisons, etc)?
unfortunately no one left a breadcrumb trail....
On another note...a guy who works for me just asked to speak to me for "5 minutes" -- 90 minutes later I loaned him my copy of "Divorce Remedy"....
Yes...he came to me to warn me that his head isn't in the game right now because he and his wife are having serious m. problems...they are talking about separating. they have a six year old son.
sounds like a lot of their problems are around miscommunications and missed expectations. Also, how they each individually "problem solve". Interestingly, without ever having heard of the book he also essentially identified that he felt that he and he w. spoke different LLs I guess I'll loan him that book next!
I'm glad he came to me...I remember feeling very lost and upset at work and wishing that I could tell my boss that I may need some slack for a bit.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Stepmom just called for a debriefing and I gave her my best DB and Men are from Mars advice (without being overbearing, I swear!). Anyway...I haven't been spending much time with them of late so it was good to reconnect with them.
