Doing my thing & keeping a smile

[wooba]

The talk about $ happened. H said he will put it in writing. (Who knows how long that’s going to take)

I brought up custody and I told him that I do not mind 50/50, and I do not want to take his time with children away. But to give him an out, I said “I understand with work, it would be difficult for you....to protect your fair share of time with kids, we should have a visitation schedule on paper, maybe you can have the kids every other weekend at YOUR place, or you can take them out for dinner few nights a week.” And interestingly, when I mentioned his place, he seems a bit stunned and there was no response...so I said, just something for you to think about. He said he’d prefer what we have right now, he comes here on the weekends to cook a meal/hang out with the kids. (When our D is finalized I think I want to draw a clear line that if he wants to spend time with the kids, he can spend it at his place. Not over here. But as for right now the kids see him so little, So I don’t want to push this issue)

Again, it’s been over 6 months that he moved out, and I still have no clue where he is living and he’s NEVER expressed wanting to have the kids over at his place.

I said to him as this proceeds, he should take most of his clothes and do his own laundry/dry cleaning. His response was, “so you want me to move out.” I said, “you already did.” H laughs and said, “I literally have three shirts with me.” I said, “well, I’m sure you have room in your place to put some more clothes.”

Is this typical MLC behavior? you run away to your new life but does not even make room for your kids??

Ugh!! I understand nothing is logical with a MLCer. I guess more waiting is to be expected. Until I actually see things in writing.

[dillydaf]

yes it's entirely typical. My H (gone over 18 months) professes great adoration for our kids yet has barely seen them once a week and only had them over to his place (his top secret place, again soooo common) a handful of times, he sees me more often than them. They like to pretend that it's Only You that they have a problem with, but in reality they cannot cope with any family except in tiny doses. Oh and my H has been saying since September 2018 that he wants a D. He has not done anything about it that has involved me yet (I'm sure he has taken legal advice). So don't hold your breath on him actually doing anything, it seems all too common that whilst they are busy telling you that you are a horrible person they don't want to be married to that they don't actually move forward on getting a D. Funny that. When people on here say that it's usually the LBS who moves forward with D, I can see that it's true.
Oh, and H left behind about 2 wardrobes full of clothes. Buying a whole new wardrobe is not uncommon, but god forbid you should chuck any of their old stuff out

[wooba]

So don't hold your breath on him actually doing anything, it seems all too common that whilst they are busy telling you that you are a horrible person they don't want to be married to that they don't actually move forward on getting a D. Funny that. When people on here say that it's usually the LBS who moves forward with D, I can see that it's true.
Oh, and H left behind about 2 wardrobes full of clothes. Buying a whole new wardrobe is not uncommon, but god forbid you should chuck any of their old stuff out

I don’t understand why H would want to keep bringing up the financial issue if he does not plan on going forward with D. Or maybe he thinks he does but is just moving verrrrry slowly? At this point I really do not mind just settle everything and be done with it. Yes, I also can see now that some LBSes choose to move forward. I totally get it. I’m close to that but not fully there yet.

The situation is frustrating to me. I understand he in incapable of being a father right now. I understand he needs to go through his own journey. I understand for right now I can live my life and just let things be, because that’s all I can do anyway. I am just really exhausted. My kids are generally good but they can be challenging sometimes. At the end of the day I just wish I had a shoulder to lean on. I don’t want to cry to my parents or my friends. So I have no choice but to be strong on my own.

I want to crawl up in a hole sometimes too. But I have responsibilities. So here I am, indulging myself with some self-pity for the time being, and tomorrow I will be fine.

[cardinal]

Wooba, it sounds like this went pretty well. Why is it so hard to imagine my H being able to have a calm convo about moving forward? It blows my mind that he wants this so much but would rather not discuss it or make progress on it with me. I have to assume it messes with his replay vibe that all is fun and he is happy, which clearly isn’t the case.

So you want me to move out?! Ah. Gotta love that (il)logic.

Anyway, more waiting. You’re good at focusing on you and the kids, so it’s more of that, while your H moves at his own speed, I suppose. I’ll be interested to see what the “in writing” looks like. Hang in there, wooba, and thanks for your help with my sitch!

[cardinal]

I was posting just as you were—of course this is exhausting. Some days I don’t know how I keep going. My closest friends I share with sometimes are good support, but sometimes they just throw into relief how exhausting this all is, as it’s pretty hard for them to imagine handling things this way, and not, I don’t know, screaming al the time at H.

So do give yourself permission to feel tired and frustrated and indulge yourself for a bit! You are also parenting through this AND a pandemic! (((wooba)))

[wooba]

Cardinal, if only I could have a slice of your chocolate cake right now ..... that would make me feel better!! Lol!

Yup. I am doing some emotional snacking right now. That’s my weakness. Thank goodness I’m fortunate enough to be able to hit the gym tomorrow morning. Everything in perspective I guess....

[scout12]

You’re doing all the right things, wooba. You’re doing great! The good thing about having a financial agreement in writing, aside from protecting you, is that it minimises the need for interactions between you. This means he won’t have the opportunity to monster at you, or take anything you say the wrong way. No contact can be healing. Of course you’ll have some contact about childcare arrangements, but I bet you’ll feel more peaceful.

[Pommy99]

Wooba gosh your H really does sound in a fog. Your resilience through all this is incredible but must be so painful. He doesn’t seem to be able to cope with marital /parental responsibilities but is not craving any “new life”? It’s just enough for him to remove himself from the home and return when he feels he can cope? Is he having IC?

It’s ok to want to crawl under a blanket. It’s perfectly ok. I don’t have any words of wisdom but am thinking of you {hugs}

[wayfarer]

It's this weird flip side of illusion of action the WS/WAS kind. With the exception of a handful on here it seems super common that these WAS want to D but don't really want to. They weirdly pick and choose steps, and when presented with the next logical step by the LBS they seem aghast. Moving toward this S/D that they want so badly at a glacial pace seems really common too and I don't get that. Even my H, when he was insistent on moving out in April, had to be April, and I said ok so when are we filing then deer in the head lights. Every time he brought up moving out and I'd bring up filing. Same reaction.

As far as this being too heavy to carry alone. Don't. I know the rules of DBing say don't talk about it. Well al-anon rules say find a good support system. I think you need to walk the line here with what's best for you. If you need to unload on friends and family so you can stay whole, healthy and reasonably happy for the kiddos you go ahead and you do that. Self care is the oxygen mask theory as I like to call it. You can't take care of every one else if you aren't taking care of you. Gotta put that oxygen mask on yourself before you help others. Saddling yourself with your hurt, anger, confusion, and any other feelings you have about this isn't taking care of Wooba. What you are dealing with here isn't some clandestine affair. Practically abandoning his children in the middle of his emotional crisis and definitely abandoning your MR is not something he can keep quiet and quietly slink back into your old life with minimal shame. You're dealing with and addict who is very likely in MLC. You need people.

Thinking of you often xoxo

[may22]

Again, it’s been over 6 months that he moved out, and I still have no clue where he is living and he’s NEVER expressed wanting to have the kids over at his place.

I said to him as this proceeds, he should take most of his clothes and do his own laundry/dry cleaning. His response was, “so you want me to move out.” I said, “you already did.” H laughs and said, “I literally have three shirts with me.” I said, “well, I’m sure you have room in your place to put some more clothes.”

Weird, weird, weird. I second what WF said above-- their behavior, choices, responses are all so strange and illogical. And I bet your H was someone who was always logical before this? Like when my H was talking about S and D for so long, had built up this crazy fantasy, and had been talking about moving out and what the D would be like for months. And when he finally told me the full story about the A and the next day when I started pulling financial information he was like whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?? Completely-- as wayfarer says-- aghast. I just don't get what is going on in their heads.

I know I'm stuck on the laundry thing but holy cow. He feels like he still lives at your house, keeps all his clothes there, yet is never actually there? And taking his clothes and doing his own laundry means you are asking him to MO? SO STRANGE.

I just want to say I know this is so difficult and you are handling it like a pro. You're such a good mom and totally putting your kids first. This time right now is crazy and hard for everyone and you do need to give yourself a break. Is there a good friend from home you can call and vent to? You know you always have us here!!

And... it could be worse. He could be living at home and being awful and you'd be stuck together. This way you are dealing with the kids and life on your own, but you do have space and peace from his craziness too.

(((HUGS)))