Hi, Kindly. As you know, I relate to so much of what you’re saying here. It’s easy to get frustrated with ourselves, I think, for taking on a disproportionate share of the burden and blame, yet easy to do when we are people who would like to take responsibility and make amends and our spouses are the opposite; they run from any responsibility and continue to project all blame on us. It’s not easy. But it is not your fault. Keep checking yourself when you notice you’re taking on too much. That can feel exhausting, but maybe someday we will just know and believe and not have to remind ourselves.
I think my H is having more guilt to push away any time I show I still care for him, even as a friend, which I have trouble denouncing since we’ve been friends at least for 16+ years. Yet I think the fact that I was even thinking about baking him something for his bday probably felt like pressure. I do feel like I was being true to myself by genuinely wishing him a happy birthday. That’s all I would suggest too.
