Lots of emails have been exchanged with H. He is sharing enlightenments, and also feelings of despair, fear, and lots more. I have engaged in these exchanges. Felt it’s the right thing to do when he reaches out.
But, today I realized that in spite of all the sharing, he is not ready to receive. I am fearful (terrified, really) of being drawn into the fixer role, the mother that just wants her boy to stop hurting. To get over it. Whatever.
I am doing well, but can see how engaging in such a way can be counterproductive. To H’s journey, to potential reconciliation. Today there was an exchange. He pointed out on two separate instances where something I said he considered snarky, and that he reminded me he wasn’t an idiot. Re-reading them, I can see how he thought that. I apologized. But I feel I am sliding into too much advice (even though he voices he wants help). I realize I am not the one to give it.
So, I am stepping back. I have way too much on my hands with D20. Lots going on there. And trying to encourage my recently graduated S22.
I am anxious for normal to return. It’s time. Time for society to return to normal, everyday life. Time for me to return to my own normal. To just live peacefully and joyfully.
Today I went on another long bike ride with a friend. I never go alone because I’m worried about getting a flat or other bike problem in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, 28 miles, over half of it in a preserve. It was awesome. I wish I could post some pics here.
Tomorrow yard projects continue, as well as closet cleaning. Last week S22, this week D20.
