HIgh Levels of Acceptance

[nitaf]

Love is letting go of fear is a great book. I gained a lot of insight and applied it to some of H's actions or inactions.

Nitaf

[sage]

Another great day yesterday...got some things accomplished at work, had some good conversations with h. He was off to study group last night so I did stuff around the house -- got a bunch done! Hung some baskets with flowers in them in the front of the house, created a giant planter with pansies in it on the edge of the driveway, and washed the windows on the front porch in preparation for some lazy days out there!

So, positive #1 is the sense of accomplishment I got!

Positive #2 is around h's reaction -- he was very complimentary and excited -- said "oh honey, that's so beautiful!" -- couldn't believe I got so much done.

Positive # 3 -- well, um, h uttered the B word last night -- as in "why don't we have one?". My reaction was a deer in headlights look...not because I haven't tossed the idea around myself in my head (we had a 30 second conversation about it the other day after leaving my sis's house) but because I don't think I've heard him ever say it with, well, so much enthusiasm before.

He said "we don't have to talk about it now. let's think about it." then said "I think you'd be a great mom. we'd be a good team."

then he went on to tell me about some mental planning he'd been doing regarding landscaping our back yard.

It's amazing to me how future/house/us oriented he is now...seems so interested in "building" with me -- in all kinds of ways.

So...it's an interesting, intriguing, downright terrifying thought. Gonna let it sit for a bit in my brain.

Sage

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Sage,

You said:

So...it's an interesting, intriguing, downright terrifying thought. Gonna let it sit for a bit in my brain.


I'm right there with you.

Before Separation, I was the one who wanted a baby.

Now he wants one, and I'm a little bit freaked. Questions arise. Can we do this together? Would we make good parents? What if he walks again?

Etc. Etc.

However, I'm wondering if this is the grand gesture that we've been looking for. Not the proposal renewal..but let's create something that requires both of us for at least 18 years.

Dunno.

It's scary and exciting and confusing...

Hugs.

[rottzilla]

Sage, I double and triple the goosebumps comment. WOW!

What a great leap forward for you.

I also feel my H feels he has failed me somehow, and that's why the EA. That he thinks somehow he is not capable of keeping me happy. It's hard to have them believe in themselves and their ability to make us happy after all the negative self talk they must have done to get to the point of feeling so inadequate.

Checking out those books you mentioned now. Thanks for the mention.

[nitaf]

My H told a friend of ours that nothing that he did made me happy but the truth was I didn't know how to make me happy!!!!!!!!!!!! It wasn't his fault as it isn't mine that he felt unhappy. Putting responsibility for your happiness in someone else's hands is far to much on someone's shoulders. We only add to each others happiness, not create it.

Nitaf

[minnie1]

Hi Sage,

absofreakinglutely.

I miss the show.

one of the hardest, and yet easiest, things I did while DB'ing was to do my absolute best to abandon my "shoulds" about him -- what he SHOULD be doing as a husband. You could add on "as a father".

Wow! Did you ever hit home with this one Sage! I'm STILL stuck here.

How did you abandon these thoughts?

Thanks for the book recs!

Minnie

[minnie1]

Hi Sage,

So...it's an interesting, intriguing, downright terrifying thought. Gonna let it sit for a bit in my brain.

oooohhh, goosebumps again!!

It's the BEST thing I've ever done! She brings me joy I could not find anywhere else, not matter how hard I looked.

One of our associate deans once told me:
"It's the best thing I've ever done and the worst thing I've ever done."

Minnie

[BRIDGET]

Sage:

You're so smart!
Hugs to you for your wisdom and willingness to share.

Just peeking over the fence with a wave
and a smile. Got hoe in hand, weeding
my own garden which has squash blossoms
and beans climbing poles.

Did a lot of digging and churning and swearing
in the mud-and-rocks to get here, eh?

Sweet to anticipate tomoatoes you planted.

Love ya, grrrlll. Glad U are doing so well.

Bridget

[sage]

How did you abandon these thoughts?

I don't know...I remember reading something...I think it was in "Mastery of Love" and he basically said -- if you're sitting around expecting your spouse to be somebody different than they are then you're disrespecting them. They weren't put here to be something for YOU they were put here to be THEM and if you can't stop judging and start loving unconditionally, well, then maybe you shouldn't be together.

I think it was also that after the bomb dropped I took a good look at ME and realized how much pressure and anger and impatience and intolerance I was bringing into the m. -- all under the guise of "getting things done" or "doing things the RIGHT way". I was doing a lot of meditating on compassion at the time and I just realized how much it must have hurt my h to be perceived as so darned WRONG all the time. What IS so wrong about what he does on a daily basis? VERY little, actually.

Here's an interview with the guy who wrote the book -- he touches a bit on what I've said above:

Interview with Miguel Ruiz

Believe me...I'm not perfect at this at all...there are still times when I wish for different things but I try to be really noticing of the level of judgement I attach to those wishes -- keep that at a minimum! and that noticing really helps me keep a tight rein on when I lapse back into the "I"m so right" mindset

Sage

[sage]

However, I'm wondering if this is the grand gesture that we've been looking for. Not the proposal renewal..but let's create something that requires both of us for at least 18 years.

Oh, I love this thought...I can feel a giddy feeling under my oh-so-cautious demeanor today!

Sage