Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[DaB35]

Thanks O. I hope things are working well for you. I will read up on your thread.

REFLECTIONS

Having done quite a bit of thinking I wanted to just summarise it all here. I realise that there is an argument of this being ‘a bit late’ or ‘after the fact’ seeing as D went through in February. I haven't stewed on this for months; I typed this up a while ago. However, from a cathartic aspect I’ve found this really useful to just put everything I've considered here, so I hope you’ll let me indulge. I’ve split it into 3 bits.

1 - ME
My parents don’t discuss things. I’ve grown up in an environment where if you’re not happy with something, you just deal with it silently. Both my parents are ill (various things: muscular illnesses, cancer remission, digestive problems). They pay for a private healthcare policy and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve suggested they actually get some use out of it, request some tests and try to get a second opinion to gain a bit more understanding. I feel they’ve just accepted the first thing a doctor told them decades ago, and have just accepted their lot. It frustrates both my sister and I. I keep suggesting it now, and the positive thing is at least my mum is being more receptive to getting some additional help.

My parents rarely argue. My dad is extremely passive. His dad died when he was 7 and had no male role model growing up in the 50s/60s. He therefore is closer to my sister than me; well it feels like it to me. Now I’m living with them, I do make a regular effort to engage him in conversation and I try to get his opinion on things and advice etc. It’s very hard with one or two word answers. But I am sticking at it still and not expressing anger, just validation and furthering the conversation. To this day, he hasn’t asked me how I have been. I believe he just doesn’t know how to deal with it. When my mum would cry about it at the beginning, I remember once watching him just sat there next to her, saying nothing for a few minutes, then he’d just get up and go upstairs to his room. I’ve realised that’s what I did in the R. If XW was upset about something…I WOULD KNOW ABOUT IT! Whereas, if she upset me I’d never say anything for fear of upsetting her further and creating a new argument. I’d just sit there like a scolded child. And I absolutely acknowledge that I created many covert contracts in the R, all the time.

I’ve grown up assuming that if I am not satisfied with a situation, there’s nothing I can do about it. This was my issue with my addiction. As a way of coping with years of bottling up frustration/fear/anxiety/sadness, even before I met XW, I deliberately chose to begin down a path that was so far removed from the usual ‘me’ as a wholesome person.

That gave me an excuse to compartmentalise it and ‘separate’ it from my everyday life. I’d not deal with it. I got in a cycle of thinking, “OK I feel down, I will go down this route. This temporarily removes those feelings I had, but now I feel terrible for doing this instead. I’ll just sweep it under the carpet and get back to normal life.” That went on for years. It got to the point that I would feel a negative feeling then scuttle off and simply look at a site or send a quick one-sentence online message to another woman, not because I wanted to message them or missed them, but because I just felt I had to stop feeling sad/anxious/stressed.

I was so happy with XW when we met initially – here was someone I had lots in common with finally – and so thought my problem would just go away of its own accord. It didn’t because I didn’t acknowledge the severity of it and the extent my poor self-esteem issues would build up over years and years.

I felt that I hadn’t achieved what I should have done. I had plans to go down a specific route after Uni/college, and this didn’t happen. Partly was down to my parents being as naïve as I was in hoping things would work out - they are not from that background either so couldn’t steer me in the right places - and also not being confident enough to move forward or not having the guts to work out what I needed to do. Again, NGS – waiting for stuff to happen rather than taking the lead. This increased my depression and made me stressed. The stress manifested itself as severe psoriasis on my scalp. That really got me down as XW would always point it out (sympathetically however, with no derision at all). The depression furthered the addiction; a temporary quick way out.

I then made a drastic change of career in my early 30s so what I originally wanted to do became my main weekend hobby. Even then I felt like a weak man because it was only after XW’s encouragement. I didn’t do it off my own back. I love my new job now and don’t regret that. I can still do my other passion on a regular basis and still earn a bit of money from it.

Because of this I felt inadequate to XW as a partner compared to her sister’s H or XW’s brother. Her family all had “worked out” their careers. They’d decided they wanted to do something, landed that job and did it. Then they were promoted and were earning good money. XW’s BIL is a vet and a professor; his dad is a millionaire, and when BIL was in his twenties he had a financial advisor. I’d feel so threatened (and probably jealous too) when we’d visit them. He’d go on about investments or politics etc. I couldn’t add much. How did he know so much about this stuff? I had literally no idea. I always thought he looked down on me. That could be utter rubbish. I’ve never mentioned that to anyone except my therapist and my sister.

Part of the reason of the addiction was I felt unattractive. I’m not overweight at all – I’m very skinny and in fact, slightly underweight for my height, just not very toned or strong. I’d feel jealous or upset when XW would comment on a very toned male body on TV or film etc. Of course, the right solution for an Alpha is to go “OK, I’ll go to the gym.” Nope. As a Beta, my NGS meant that I would be passive aggressive. As a result our sex life was very sporadic. She then said she felt unattractive, but at the same time I would feel the same way because she’d always complain of “feeling ill”. She did have genuine ailments though. I would let that add to my depression, so I wouldn’t make a HUGE effort to woo her. I’d buy nice gifts – which she was always grateful for – and do little acts of service as my love language (cleaning, making dinner, helping with paperwork), but wouldn’t show physical affection, like throwing my arms round her as she walked through the door if we hadn’t seen each other for a few days, as I thought that’s not what she wanted.

It was yet another cycle. She felt as though I didn’t want her, and so didn’t make a move on me. I thought she was ill all the time and also didn’t find me attractive or was unhappy with the way I looked, coupled with me feeling low about the way I looked too. So I didn’t make a move on her. The result was low libido from both of us, far removed from how we were in the first few years of the relationship. I admit that there were occasions when I would deliberately not instigate sex if she upset or annoyed me. She doesn’t know that. My addiction on top didn’t help of course.

I’d always feel that I had to please her. I had a long commute to work when we bought our house. I would stress myself out driving home. If I was ten minutes late due to traffic, I’d get a phonecall from XW saying “Where are you? Are you nearly home?” I’d even lie to her and say I was further up the motorway than I actually was to avoid her feeling let down by me. I stressed so much that I got a speeding ticket one day because I’d left work 15 minutes later than planned, so broke the speed limit trying to make up time to get home. When I would start falling asleep at 10pm XW would moan and say “Go on then, go up to bed and be boring.” I’d stay down to please her, but then it made me resent her feeling that way. Cue addiction cycle. Another minor thing, say I put a new item of clothing in the wash and the colour ran so it came out faded, she’d really lay into me for that. So I’d feel really down about it; I’d let her down again. I’m not worthy. Cue addiction cycle again.

On a work night out, I’d say yes, so it might be the Xmas meal. After dessert, I would clock watch and say to myself “OK I’ll leave at 9.30 so I’m not back late.” That was to avoid me fearing XW being angry at me for coming back late. Yet she would go on holiday for a week with her old Uni mates on a ‘no partners’ holiday and I was fine with it.

I used to be a member of a community group that met twice a week. When we bought our house it meant I was coming home at 10-11pm twice a week on a weekday. XW didn’t like that. One day she just exploded and said “I hate how you still go there. I’m so lonely.” Even though I’d suggested she join the group too, I’d end up lying to the organiser saying I was ill, late from work, on an off-site visit and was stuck in traffic, car broke down etc., anything to avoid going so I could come home at 6pm instead and be with XW at home. But me going to that group was one of the times where I was truly happy; I was in the zone and my addictions weren’t a problem. I was respected there and had a good level of confidence. I feel sad I don’t do it anymore.

The thing is, a lot of these issues are no more now. I realise why I felt the way I did.