Very nice rationalizing. And watching those feelings flit away. Well done!
Originally Posted by cardinal
And I arrive at: How can he ever think what he’s done is forgivable?
IMHO, they don’t. We, and/or others demonstrate and show them forgiveness and they learn it. MLCers have a lot of growing up to do.
Originally Posted by cardinal
How do MLCers who get so far from themselves work their way out of this tunnel and then think they can reconnect after all the drama?
A few things at work for thinking they can reconnect.
MLCers if/when they finally exit the tunnel they enter a depression stage, then an even darker and deeper stage of withdrawal. Lots is being processed and reflected upon during this time. They let go of their pain, finally facing it, seeing the cause, and reconciling it. Steps towards healing themselves. Another long process.
Reconnection may happen somewhere in this time frame or later well into acceptance and settling down. The MLCer is no longer the troubled emotional person living in the past. A lot of the running and craziness of their last years will be forgotten. Well not so much forgotten, more inaccessible; like they loss the index to those memories.
We LBS do the same. The once incredibly strong and painful emotions and thoughts that flood our lives give way as we heal. The longer we live our better and good lives the less and less these thought and feelings have hold upon us. We become different, that best version of ourselves. And that person somewhat loses the index to that painful time; it is lost in forgiveness and acceptance.
This is not that hard to see. We all have memories of our childhood and young years locked away, and our adult language and thinking makes those memories non-understandable and not easily relived. We lost the ability to translate them into our current lives. We grew up. The MLCer grows up and losses their’s too.
That is a reason for “thinking they can reconnect”. I also think, seeking to reconnect and hoping to be able to reconnect is at play here.
Our forgiveness or others that have forgiven them has hopefully allowed them to grow and seek self forgiveness.
Their path has hopefully lead them to empathy and they see the pain they caused.
They will seek to reconnect to make amends and heal old wounds. The will hope against everything to be worthy of forgiveness. Granted this is more of a best case scenario as some never exit the tunnel. However, we are discussing those that actual do.
For these fortunate few MLCers, and possible reconciliation, is when this becomes so important:
Nothing you do will affect the MLCers path. And everything you do will.
That is one of the big reasons to focus on you and not attempt to manipulate your spouse’s journey. Live your life, as best you can, and as you want. Become the best version of yourself.
If the MLCer ever exists the tunnel and turns back towards you, they may or may not like who you are. Ensure you like who you are.
Reconciliation is a bonus. You and your life is the true goal.
Originally Posted by cardinal
You think it’s convenient that I’m here to take any and all anger he’s experienced in his life?
Oh yes.
MLCer’s project their anger and blames into us, the LBS, their once beloved spouse. Remember they are suffering from a trauma from a past authority figure. A person and trauma they emotional could not handle and burried. They incorrectly assigned that to us. We get blame and anger as their lives turn inside out. It is such a sad thing to witness and we are powerless to help, stop, slow down, or steer it.
These are broken, hurting, and desperate people. And desperate people do desperate things.
It’s not about you. H has mentioned his Dad a few times. It’s hard to say what he might uncover. Time will tell.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
