I have to be honest with that I have not read your entire thread just your opening post and your last post.
The good news is that I don't think he is going through MLC and you have a good chance at reconciliation if you change up your strategy.
I think you husband isn't confused he is emotionally immature and is manipulating you. In essence you have given him a hall pass to find "romance and passion" well you sit obediently at home waiting for him to come home.
Often people mistake this fighting on the part of the WS as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in him is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with his affair partners and outside interests, he can always come back to his comfortable marriage.
Its a huge comfort to know that he has you to fall back on if things go badly for him. You've already proven that you'll save him, like when you have him over to play house. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
He needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for him if he chooses to return, and that if he wants to come back he's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell him that, he'll never believe it. You have to show him that beyond a doubt with your actions.
Ever run into a crazy person on the sidewalk who points at you and yells at you? You do what you can to minimize the interaction but after that you move on. It doesn't ruin your day, it certainly doesn't hurt your self-esteem or make you feel worse about who you are as a person.
You need to regard him with exactly the same level of detachment and disinterest. Whatever he does it doesn't effect you.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from him (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, she'll clamor to come back and if he doesn't you won't care.
That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your nurturing nature.
I'm very sorry you're here. Everything he told you about your faults was nonsense to justify his quest for passion. When you then respond to his complaints you validate them, so he feels even more entitled to have his freedom.
