Hello, everyone! First, thank you Kindly, wooba, may, Can, DnJ, job, kml, Scout, for all of your support and concern. I can’t thank you enough. Without being able to come here and get perspective and advice, I know I would struggle with thinking I was crazy even more. I mean, who is this person who was my husband? Who treats anyone like that and doesn’t apologize? I know, an MLCer. The next day he acted as if nothing had happened. He’s been quieter toward me, but still chatty once in a while. I have sensed anger under the surface in the last couple of weeks, as he spends a lot of time yelling at the shows he’s watching and cursing office supplies that don’t work. After Tuesday night’s episode, he’s started being gone with his friends every night instead of just occasionally. Typical behavior for when he can’t take real life anymore. He escapes. At least I have a break from him. Our stay at home order was extended to May 31.
Scout, your your validation really made me feel better. His behavior was indeed abusive. Wooba, what you wrote helped me start to rationalize things and step back. Of course he wants to feel like he’s in control of something in his life, especially when the govt is telling him to stay home. He’s also always been very sensitive about seeming like “the bad guy” (or a typical guy at all actually—he’s MNG), so I can imagine there’s all kinds of shame and anger at himself that he’s projecting onto me. He’s never been able to deal with any emotion other than being happy. He doesn’t know how to process emotions, especially anger. When I met him, he was not an angry person, but slowly he became more angry and unable to understand it.
My IC also suggested he’s taking a lifetime of not feeling like he could speak up and funneling all of that onto me. job, I think you said as much when I first came here! I spoke to her about what I think is bipolar depression in his family. She said it’s hard to say what, but something is definitely going on with H, and his self-medicating with alcohol and weed masks even more.
DnJ—when you said that MLCers would like to leave you with nothing, but can’t, that started me down the path of rationalizing my irrational fears. I did consult lawyers months ago, and I know I am entitled to half. I know I can’t be responsible for any of his credit card debt after we separated. Poof—a lot of my fear went away! I think he’s stressed about money, and knowing what I am entitled to, and he knows he depends on my extra income now too. He’s stressed and angry about a lot in his life, and mentioning money is the only way he can feel powerful. I didn’t react in fear toward him. I know he was surprised I stood up for myself. I tend to think it’s all bluster, and as wooba said, it’s inconvenient for him to split finances now. If he does, if I have to find money somehow to retain a lawyer, well, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. No sense worrying about it now. I‘m prepared.
Now, the house (rented), lawyers seemed to think it made sense for me to stay here while he goes, but also said, that’s something you would work out in mediation—you’re good candidates for that! Again, a later bridge.
By no less than 24 hours after the spewing, with what I’ve learned here, I was feeling much better and stronger. Emotions do change. His words lost much of their power over me. And as many of you pointed out, next time I can (and I will) just walk away. No point in me sticking around so he can yell.
That said, what lingers: how much pain he must be pushing away, to lash out in the ugly way he did, someone who has always been nothing but generous and unconcerned about money, who earlier this week was telling me I’d made the best bread ever, was offering me tea, etc etc. I don’t believe he goes around hating me all of the time, that he always thinks it’s awful and unfair that I live here. I think he is not happy with himself, and the pressure comes and goes, and he explodes and then leans into drinking and fantasy friend life.
And I arrive at: How can he ever think what he’s done is forgiveable? How do MLCers who get so far from themselves work their way out of this tunnel and then think they can reconnect after all the drama? It’s more obvious than ever that I didn’t break him and can’t fix him. He has a lot of anger and hurt to work through. I have been neutral toward him, not hateful, since. That feels like all I can do. That and make another fabulous loaf of bread.
Hugs to all of you! I hope you and your families are well.
