Riding the Wave 3

[may22]

Hi WF,

I TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY get it. I have to say, I'm constantly impressed by the posters here who have so much self control. (Like you.) Sometimes I read the BS that spews out of the mouths of the WSs and the poster is like "I'm sorry you feel that way" all calm and I'm wanting to yell at the a$$holes through the computer. (I'm sure people have felt that way towards my H too.) But even in the depths of everything I have never excelled at the whole remaining calm and not getting into it part. I've definitely improved. But it is a constant challenge for me.

And when I read your post here, I really wonder if this isn't a good time for a little truth bomb... that you've been journaling and yes, that particular day stands out because it was the DAY HE ADMITTED HIS AFFAIR TO HIS DAUGHTER and maybe? just maybe? that might have been a bigger issue than overhearing a single fight between the two of you?

I mean, I'm sure that isn't DBing and all that. But holy $!&#. how long is he going to stick his head in the ostrich hole? As you know my H also doesn't want to truly confront all that damage and I can imagine something similar happening with him. I feel like he's starting to block the whole A out of his mind and his history. I think I posted here that it suddenly occurred to me when talking about a V-day lunch two years ago that we went to WHEN HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR that when we had that conversation and were talking about specifics of that lunch and that day and that restaurant-- he truly did not remember that when we were there he was in the middle of an affair with another woman. He remembered the restaurant, the conversation, the food.... all that. but not the fact that he was actually f$&*ing someone else at the time. Either that or he is a total psychopath actor. But I know he isn't that good of an actor.

Anyway. The rational, DB-ing part of me says give it some time and space and maybe you'll decide it isn't worth it to challenge him on this, he isn't ready to hear it, or whatever. But perhaps you go through that calculus and decide you know what? He can take a little bit of truth. It's time.

I'm angry that I'm constantly censoring myself so I don't look crazy or bitter. And at this point just to keep the peace for as long as possible since I knew he'd be home all day the next two day. I'm frustrated that I'm constantly the one taking the high road here.

This is something I worry about with you, a little. I just don't think it is healthy for any of us to behave like this long-term. I worry that it will result in feeling resentful towards your H and you have to be able to be yourself and feel like yourself in your own home, especially now. I think it was a good idea to get out for a walk and give yourself some space and time. But I do want you to consider a little middle ground, here-- between swallowing what you think and pasting on a smile, and booting him to the curb, what about calmly suggesting it might be because of his affair? and then dropping it? You could even say you don't want to discuss your R right now with him, but because it involves his D who you both love very much, you feel like you owe it to him to tell him btw, this is what really happened that day. And then leave it at that and let him think on it.

That might not be DBing and of course you are under no obligation to take this advice. Ignore it, if it isn't right for you! But I wanted to suggest it. Because I care about you and I worry that you're internalizing all of this and it isn't going to be healthy for you in the long term. You need SOME release valve. (Plus, he needs a little wake up call.)

xx M