On my home front things still continue to be very difficult and trying. Watched my wife pack and leave for the weekend yesterday. Shes going to Vegas to see our god son. Only a handful of times have I had to watch her leave on her own for anything its always lonely and sad. But this is unlike anything I've ever felt before. A couple months ago we would have been excitedly packing together for a chance to get away for a few days. I haven't seen my god son in 2 years, at least she will finally. Broke down again and started trying to talk about us, obviously never a good idea and just hurt me more.
On top of the general issue here I am also having a panic attack about the whole thing. What if she gets sick, will she make the drive okay. I have really bad motion sickness so I drive everywhere always. She has very little experience on the freeways and what not and now she is doing a 4 hour drive to vegas at night. I know she can do it but still scares me. So then I go to get the mail and see she has her pills in there. I know she was almost out and was needing to get gas so I call her to see if I should bring them before she hits the road. Im opening the mail when I notice she has also refilled her birth control. We stopped that over 3 months ago. She has been on it since she was 14 it was a regular fight for years that she wanted to stop which we agreed to this year. I would take over the responsibility of us not getting pregnant. Again this was apart of me trying to change my control this year is was complete nonsense that I didn't respect her health and wishes all those years. Because I feared the failure rate of condoms and didn't like the experience as much. I also had been giving serious though about abandoning my ling time fear about being ready to have kids I didn't want to wait anymore to have the family my wife and I always talked about. So naturally I can't keep my mouth shut by it and she says she always orders them because its better ti have them now while she can. Also she planning on going back on them because they regulate her and she doesn't want to get pregnant now. Again can't control myself so you want to or are having sex. she says no not right now but maybe she will if it comes up. I can probably read into this that there is someone closer she is speaking with now and that is likely true but I'm trying not to for my own health.
Spoke to my therapist again this day right after she started packing on lunch. This is again the main thing I discuss. I also talk about how I got in contact with an old friend. Really the only real friend I ever had. He has a lot of things going on these day so not sure how healthy it is right now. We were friends because we both understood each others way of thinking so yeah. I told my therapist how we were talking about how I felt that no liked me and he said nonsense your a good guy. So I said well I spent a lot of time with people you were friends with and never heard from with out you. He thought about said yeah all my friends hated you. They didn't like you being around. Ive tried to reach out to some people I use to know from school and have had some of the same responses that we weren't friends and they never really liked me around. So my therapist was taken back by that one. Just asked me how I felt about it I told him thats how its always been as long as I remember so it hurts but not terrible. I have to say Im hopeful for these sessions but Ive never really understand how this is supposed to work should be giving me advise on how to make changes or is just about talking out my problems so I see them. Its only the second session so I'm sure there is a process but I just dont know.
I was bad after everything really bad. I differently didn't want to be alone in my house. Went to my sisters for the rest of the night. Even practically falling asleep on the road back wasn't enough to push away the loneliness though that night. Took awhile to sleep and then of course I didn't want to be awake so I slept until noon. I never do that I hate feeling like I missed a day. Honestly though I dont care about any day right now. Being her alone [censored].
