HIgh Levels of Acceptance

[sage]

Finally, in my own experience, if h interprets my request as something he may FAIL at (like, not live up to my expectations) then he's very resistent to doing it -- even if to me it seems as though it's something he'll succeed at.

Could it be this is why they don't want to work on the R?

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IMHO, absofreakinglutely.

When I take the thousand foot view of my sitch it seems clear to me that a lot of the horror that went on was around expectation -- or more likely, the fear of not living up to the others expectation.

It's, no doubt, why I kept everything close to my vest and rarely showed my h how important he was (is) to me.

And I believe it's partly why h engaged in his EA.

And, I also believe that it's why when I share my "stuckness" with h and express my still-present(sometimes) sadness he reacts with the D word.

the thousand foot view tells me that above all h, h is afraid of not meeting my expectations....failing me somehow...

one of the hardest, and yet easiest, things I did while DB'ing was to do my absolute best to abandon my "shoulds" about him -- what he SHOULD be doing as a husband. You could add on "as a father".

It isn't about no longer believing that he COULD be amazingly, wonderfully, charmingly successful and delightful and wonderful as a husband.

It's about no longer sighing heavily and thinking:
he SHOULD take out the garbage
he SHOULD do the dishes
he SHOULD pay the bills
he SHOULD blah, blah, blah

I cannot deny that I still battle with it, (mildly) at times -- but it's no longer the constant presence in my life.

2 things got me there besides DB'ing.

The two books by Miquel Ruiz ("The four agreements" and "the mastery of love") and

the book "Love is letting go of fear" by Jampolsky.

WHAT if you viewed your h's actions as a manifestation of his fear as opposed to anger, selfishness, etc? (I'm not saying you view it now as anger, whatever...)

Sage