So I'm here to vent I guess. I have no idea at this point. I find myself in a fight with H by myself. Meaning he doesn't know I'm angry or agitated, which then agitates me more. Last night he came home from work attempting to talk to D16 on the way home to no avail. Hadn't heard from her at all since Sunday. I let him rant a bit about how he's not even going to try pretty soon. He can't fix the manipulation, and if D16 wants him to be the bad guy then fine....typical woe is me things whenever he gets into an interpersonal mix up with people. I tried to calmly let him know the bulk of this is on his ex's shoulders. He shouldn't put his feelings of rejection on D16 even if she's buying in. That bio mom had been pushing this feud since the second she found an opening. H in his infinite wisdom thinks that window was the kids overhearing our fight about money on 2/5. Which thanks to him getting his wheels spinning yesterday and sending me reeling, I had realized I had documented like that entire day on here. That was the same day he admitted he was having an affair to D16 and told her he couldn't wait for D16 to meet her. Immediately after school. Hours before we had taht fight. And that fight was a month or more since D16 knew an affair was happening.
All this came up because in that fight I brought up where the child support money was going during all this time since he couldn't even manage to come up with a few hundred dollars for me for a couple of months. Which I would've never brought up in a million years except just before that fight when D16 told me about H's admission of the OW she also brought up that her and her mom had been watching every transaction on the child support card for months. Bio mom had been watching since the second she handed over the card to us. She pulled up the reports on her phone put me in a position to basically defend every single transaction. And because I could see this was being fueled by her mother, even though H didn't deserve a thing, I defended everything she showed me. Everything. Even the things that I could clearly tell were him spending money on himself or OW. Since he was still paying bills here, I had no personal investment in where he was spending that money. And that money wasn't even child support from bio mom. That money was his money he was still paying in because for a year we had been hearing bio mom is getting an apartment next month and then next month didn't come until April of 2020.
The reason I'm stewing is because he's absolutely convinced that the fight was the catalyst for his manipulative ex to poke holes. When it was never the fight all this was put in motion long before that. And he wouldn't even let me get that out, because he could see I was getting defensive and kept saying I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying. Which I'm sorry that felt like blaming. And it felt like he still can't see that the root cause of all of this is his stupid A. Not that fight. Not the cracks in our relationship. The affair is the catalyst. It always has been. And as much as I want to blame bio mom for manipulating the situation to her advantage. Or D16 for exerting her autonomy over her authoritarian parents in the worst ways possible over the course of the last year. He has just as much blame here and he can't accept it, or see it, or own it and it makes me wonder what the h3ll I'm doing here. We're 10 weeks out from the end of the affair and still, he can only see the A as a tiny little reason behind any of these things as they pop up. Like maybe a little push.
I'm frustrated because I wanted to lay into him yesterday and just accepted that he wasn't blaming me and left the conversation when it was over. And then left the house for a walk. I'm angry that I'm constantly censoring myself so I don't look crazy or bitter. And at this point just to keep the peace for as long as possible since I knew he'd be home all day the next two day. I'm frustrated that I'm constantly the one taking the high road here. I'm pissed that I'm hanging out here in limbo while he gets to weigh and measure my every move and decided if that's something he wants to try for or not, while I sit here knowing I didn't deserve any of the sh!t he put me through and yet I'll stay and wait and be patient because I'm a patently better spouse and at this point human being. I would like to yell that in his face but I don't. I just smile when he walked into the MBR this morning to say good morning. I ask him about his up coming doctor's appointment for a consultation for his endoscopy, since they've rescheduled it again for the 3rd time. I'm clearly losing my zen here. And I don't know to what end. I just hope I can get back to where I was just a few days ago. Because right now I'm so frustrated with this limbo I'm ready to put all his things in garbage bags and say deuces since there is no D16 keeping me from kicking him to the curb any more. But the logical part of me knows that isn't what I want. That isn't how I want this to end. That I need to just stay the course a while long. Let's hope excessive amounts of wine this evening will give me the attitude change I desperately need.
