Please tell me you didn't give this to her and are just trying to get it out on paper!!!! This is going to have the opposite effect that you want.
Keep writing this stuff and then burn it. Or put it in a locked drawer and don't allow yourself to do anything with it for one month.
I would not write to her ever at all. Be kind and friendly and open but not eager. Let her come to you. Believe what you read here. Let go. Be busy. Be friendly when she comes to you but initiate nothing.
She might leave for a while. She might tell you it's over. It might take a number of years. What you are doing now is the very beginning of this journey. The counseling may not work at all for now, she might have to go through something really dark before she comes back. Remember, your standing means outlasting what she is going through, not fixing it or changing it. You can't. Surrender your will. Surrender your desire to fix. You can't. You can't! You can't!
If you read my sitch, you will see that I am a diehard stander. So if I am saying you have to let go, it's not because I think you should move on and start a new life. I believe in waiting! But you have to wait in the right way.
And from a woman's perspective, you want to be an attractive man because you are strong and confident and have your own life that is interesting and unique to you and your interests/skills/passions. The only way to appear that way is to be that way. And the only way to be that way is to actually pursue your own life. Be happy to see her and let her into your own life, but have one.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
We were so tied together, it is hard to let that go!
Absolutely, it is really hard. One of the hardest things you may ever have to go through. It's a bumpy ride but things will get better.
I understand your feelings of desperation, and those aren't going to change overnight. Eventually they will.
Letters never work, and I mean NEVER, in these situations. Journal your feelings, post them here if you need to, but if you ever feel the urge to deliver a letter please please please fight the urge and post here first.
So on Wednesday night, she told me that her friend had a litter of kittens again. The last time this happened, we took one and her friend kept one so they could have sister kittens. So I said, well if you get one make it a gray kitten because we haven't had a gray kitten yet. Last night after dinner, she said lets go for a drive. Ok, I'm up for it, we start driving out of town and I know we are headed towards their place. I ask are we getting this kitten? She said, you said we could. So we do, and it's the gray one. She said you wanted the gray one! I said, well I've said a lot of things the past two months that I want to happen as well (implying staying together and working on the marriage), she kinda gave a half smile. We get home and show the kids and she tells the kids we made another 15 year commitment?!? The last R talk we had, she had said again she wants to separate, but I haven't brought anything up since because I'm following the DB steps. I'm not going to bring anything up until our next counseling session, because that is what we had agreed to, only talk relationship stuff in the MC session which is next Thursday, but what the hell is going on? One day, it's we are separating, a few days later we are getting another 15 year commitment.
I really hope that me doing the DB steps are working. I'm giving her space, asking about work and other things, but nothing about our relationship or future. No more "I love yous" or notes. We've split up some of the house chores, I was doing it all for the past two months trying to relive her stress. It made her feel smothered so we split up the chores.
I've gotten in contact with some old band mates and we are recording some stuff online together. Trying to do the GAL, as much as I can while in lockdown. Doing IC and learning a lot about what my issues are and working on them.
Hope. That is what is gets me up in the morning and fuels my exercise and the need to be the best version of myself. It's been said here a few times, make yourself into a person only a fool would leave. I'm trying.
H (me): 48 W: 43 M: 23 T: 24 D:21, S:19, S:15 BD 2/2020 Still living together and going to MC
Nice to see you got a kitten. And a grey one even.
Why did she say we made an another 15 year commitment? Because she felt it at that moment.
Her journey is a confusing emotional ride.
Originally Posted by Tmason
The last R talk we had, she had said again she wants to separate, but I haven't brought anything up since because I'm following the DB steps. I'm not going to bring anything up until our next counseling session, because that is what we had agreed to, only talk relationship stuff in the MC session which is next Thursday
Good. Stick to the agreed plan. Following the agreement will help build trust and respect.
Originally Posted by Tmason
I really hope that me doing the DB steps are working. I'm giving her space, asking about work and other things, but nothing about our relationship or future. No more "I love yous" or notes. We've split up some of the house chores, I was doing it all for the past two months trying to relive her stress. It made her feel smothered so we split up the chores.
The DB steps are your best chance at turning this around. Those little, and too few, moments of her “seeing” clearly do accumulate. Especially if not drown out by pressure. Space and time for her to sort out her issues (while not blaming you) is good stuff.
Keep giving her space. And yes keep the “I love you” and the notes absent for longer.
Splitting up the chores is a good thing. It’s very good to see that she shared she felt smothered and that you both found a solution to that.
Good for you reconnecting with old band mates. Recording some music is a good activity - reconnecting with friends, reconnecting with your inner musician. What kind of music? Rock, country, classical...? Lol. Not too many classical bands out there. Those highfalutin folks are an orchestra. Haha.
Do sing or play an instrument or both?
Yep, make yourself a person only a fool would leave.
You got this.
And, there is always hope!
No one gets to take away your hope.
DnJ
Last edited by DnJ; 05/02/2001:07 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
