got home from work. still felt that semi-weirdness/disconnect when I got there...NOW I have to be careful not to make it happen with my attitude or wariness! gotta mix it up, walk in the door with confidence!
anyway, h and I went for a walk...I was overeager...talking to much, creating a bit of a vacuum, emotionally bouncing off the walls a bit. I asked h if he was ok with something or other (can't remember what) then said something like "wait, I'm not squashing you, am I? I don't want to be squashing you!" What I was TRYING to convey was that I was interested in what he wanted but was hoping that I wasn't actually CONTROLLING the conversation/outcome somewhat tacitly. I dunno...it was a weird, hepped up conversation.
anyway...h said "no, you're not squashing me." then he said "but you do have some squashing rights. no, you have some squashing ability". I said "what do you mean?". He said "you have my heart. you could squash it if you wanted to. Please be careful. And I know that I have your heart. and I promise that I won't squash it. I will take care of it. I will protect it."
???
what's up with that?
Acknowledgement that we could hurt each other ('cause that is life and love).
Request that I not hurt him.
Verbal affirmation that he will protect me and not hurt me.
Sigh.
My h is getting it (and giving it!)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: "you have my heart. you could squash it if you wanted to. Please be careful. And I know that I have your heart. and I promise that I won't squash it. I will take care of it. I will protect it."
I have trusted you with my heart. You have trusted me with something that is very important to you and I understand that. I am telling you that you have nothing to fear, your heart is my heart and I will cherish it.
Most guys just can't come up with statements like your husband made without at least giving it a little thought. Because it is foreign ground to them. They kind of have to take a dry run with it in their heads.
My thoughts are that his statement is from his heart and it was very sincere.
Quote: Finally, in my own experience, if h interprets my request as something he may FAIL at (like, not live up to my expectations) then he's very resistent to doing it -- even if to me it seems as though it's something he'll succeed at.
you wrote that in slowly's thread
what is sorta funny is that i read your response and do like i usually do and click my mouse up to where i go to the menu to start reading something else, but then that sentence jumped out at me like a heavy 2 x 4 cross my head
i scrolled back down and re-read it
how incredibly insightful is that? i have still had a problem with asking hubby to do things because quite frankly he always gives me excuses on why things can't be done
WOW
could it possibly be that he feels like such a failure in so many areas of his life that it actually permeates into the things he really is good at but refuses to see it?
is that why he always gives me a pat answer on it? but then usually gets the job done anyway? ugh
WHY IN THE WORLD DO WE ALL HAVE TO BE PSYCHIATRISTS JUST TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP
ok, ok, i am done...but i wanted to thank you none the less, this was an eye opener for me
i read mars/venus years ago, looks like i need to get another copy and read it again
Quote: Finally, in my own experience, if h interprets my request as something he may FAIL at (like, not live up to my expectations) then he's very resistent to doing it -- even if to me it seems as though it's something he'll succeed at.
Could it be this is why they don't want to work on the R?
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Finally, in my own experience, if h interprets my request as something he may FAIL at (like, not live up to my expectations) then he's very resistent to doing it -- even if to me it seems as though it's something he'll succeed at.
Could it be this is why they don't want to work on the R?
IMHO, absofreakinglutely.
When I take the thousand foot view of my sitch it seems clear to me that a lot of the horror that went on was around expectation -- or more likely, the fear of not living up to the others expectation.
It's, no doubt, why I kept everything close to my vest and rarely showed my h how important he was (is) to me.
And I believe it's partly why h engaged in his EA.
And, I also believe that it's why when I share my "stuckness" with h and express my still-present(sometimes) sadness he reacts with the D word.
the thousand foot view tells me that above all h, h is afraid of not meeting my expectations....failing me somehow...
one of the hardest, and yet easiest, things I did while DB'ing was to do my absolute best to abandon my "shoulds" about him -- what he SHOULD be doing as a husband. You could add on "as a father".
It isn't about no longer believing that he COULD be amazingly, wonderfully, charmingly successful and delightful and wonderful as a husband.
It's about no longer sighing heavily and thinking: he SHOULD take out the garbage he SHOULD do the dishes he SHOULD pay the bills he SHOULD blah, blah, blah
I cannot deny that I still battle with it, (mildly) at times -- but it's no longer the constant presence in my life.
2 things got me there besides DB'ing.
The two books by Miquel Ruiz ("The four agreements" and "the mastery of love") and
the book "Love is letting go of fear" by Jampolsky.
WHAT if you viewed your h's actions as a manifestation of his fear as opposed to anger, selfishness, etc? (I'm not saying you view it now as anger, whatever...)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
gotta mix it up, walk in the door with confidence! 
