What's New Today pt2

[CanBird]

Hi Ownit... I appreciate your opinion and thank you for your honesty.

Now that I know of the ow/xgf, I'm not sure zero communication is the key. I almost wish I would of said more last year. I don't know if it would of made a difference. But I think I might just do like one email a week from D3's point of view. I didn't do anything like that last year & I regret it.

He didn't communicate that he wanted to hear from D3, and I didn't extend or initiate their communication either. Just sent B-Day & Father's Day cards/greetings. Maybe if I had done more, he would have reach out to HER more.

that makes me question your motive (and I mean that in the nicest way, I often question my own motives for doing things and I personally believe it is a healthy habit to consider why one thinks or feels or acts a certain way).

No motive; just want to keep him in the loop and not miss out or feel like he's missing out on her growing up.

It should make no difference in whether there is an OW or not in how you treat him or how you should respond to him.

You are 100% right. I've been communicating with him just fine. It does not make a difference.

One thing I haven't wanted to raise for you, that I think you should be cognizant of, is that because this is a long-distance affair with his work situation, it will probably last longer. It can't get real for any length of time. They likely won't l live together for long periods. Therefore, less opportunity to take off the luv goggles and see things for what they are.

This is how I see it..his affair... mostly fantasy land, and is appealing to his MLC state of mind. Adventure, excitement. A different life. Not the routine of being a father. It's his new life, his journey. I'm the mother of his child. His journey has nothing to do with me. We're just friends. I'm more like a nanny. A Super Nanny.

Accordingly, I think (and this is my view of reading yours and other threads, and living with this a long time), the more he wonders what is going on with you, the less he knows about your life there, the better.

Yes, I agree. The less he knows about me, and what's going on in my life, the better. Totally agree.

If you send him what you are talking about sending him for the reason you articulated yourself above, you are pursuing him. You are using your kid to do it, but it is still pursuit.

No motive; just want to keep him in the loop and not miss out or feel like he's missing out on her growing up. I never thought of it as pursuing him, but I can see how it might come off as such. I'd never want anyone to think I'm using my my child in this way. I totally get what you're saying here.

KML is always spot on. If your D wants to talk to him, dial and hand her the phone. Other than that, let him make the lame effort to be a dad who is choosing to add yet more distance to his relationship with his D.

Yes, I 100% agree with kml. I've been following D3s lead on communicating with her dad... It's not as easy as just dialing the phone and handing it over, (Time zones/remoteness/odd work schedule: He's the boss at work..) OH how I wish it was that easy) but I get the the gist of what you're saying

I hope I am not being too harsh, but you did solicit opinions. This is mine and mine alone. In time you will come to realize that you can't make him parent, you can't keep him in her life, and she will be fine growing up with a strong, caring mom who does make her a priority. For probably a long time he will be a guy she speaks to little and sees less.

(((Ownit))) I appreciate your comments, I truly do, and NEED to hear honest opinions, however they come. I know I can't make him parent, ( just like he can't make me parent.. We all have our own handbooks, right? Who wants to be told what to do, or how to do it..btw. I'm still working on my handbook..lol.. ) But seriously, you're right. It's not up to me. The father he wants to be is up to him. His journey.