No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[sandi2]

I can proudly say I am all NC now, I go to bed and have things to keep me busy or entertained, I wake up in the morning with new goals, plans and to-do lists and I will never ever beg her again for a simple coffee or dinner.

So..........all this NC came about since yesterday? Your resolve is usually the strongest when you are angry.

Yesterday I dropped the kids with her and it was the first time when after enjoying some time with them together I was the first one to want to go, I genuinely wanted to leave so I opened the door to her building and as I was saying goodbye she started crying and told me she could not bear anymore my accusations. She told me she was not happy either but she could not be with me, she had suffered for a long time and now she could not start clean.

As difficult as it may be at first, I think you really need to stop spending time together with the kids. Exchange them, but don't spend time together "with" them. Your W holds strong resentment, and this works against you and the children.

I told her I knew she had been banging her head against a wall and that I was sorry and would give her all time and space she needs. To that her reply was that I am stubborn, that I must accept we are separated and it is probable we are never together again. I got strength from inside and told her I had accepted it and she told me she does not understand why we cannot speak like friends and that it feels like I am punishing her. I told her I could happily talk about our children and the only one to shift the blame 100% on the other here was her and walked away (I am sorry but I just felt like I also have to set boundaries for me and her tears did not seem genuine, you cannot just cry and then say do not dare coming close to me in an angry tone)

By not spending time with her while enjoying the kids, it gives her much more space. Giving her space, in this case, means removing your attention, your presence, your time, conversation, etc. I think she's going to need a long stretch of time without seeing you or hearing your voice, before some of her anger subsides. I don't think she wants you to "fix" anything with her. Unfortunately, I've experienced some people like her, who had rather remain angry than find resolution. This is when there is nothing you can do to change her feelings, b/c she won't allow it. Therefore, the problem is no longer about you. She chooses to remain bitter and cold. The problem is within her heart, and she will have to find peace with it. Am I making sense?

Unless you physically behave in a pursuing manner, or make comments that reflect your feelings for her, or desiring to reconcile, then why does she immediately take issue against you? I think her wanting to be friends is a farce. When you are with her a short period, she quickly becomes very angry and hateful for no obvious reason......other than she holds unforgiveness in her heart. Unforgiveness works like a poison. You cannot be friends with a person of this disposition. She will have to work it out, herself, b/c she refuses to allow you to make amends. When she doesn't have you as a target to unleash her rage, maybe she will realize she is hurting herself by carrying this resentment. You can't heal her.

Also I dont know what to think about her tears, she has used them in the past to get her way and they come out of nowhere. A minute ago she is ignoring me and when I am going to leave she bursts into tears, what is she playing at?

I can't remember if I've asked this question previously. Was your W spoiled by her parents? When a little girl has a sense of entitlement, it often comes from parents who never tell her "no". Spoiled little girls are guilty of manipulating her parents to get whatever they want. However, she doesn't have to be spoiled, in order to use tears as a manipulation tool, for whatever reason. When they grow up, they can change.......but often times, they don't. It's not difficult for some women to shed tears at any given time. My guess is that used the tears to pull you back into her drama. She could have wanted to make you feel guilty (punish you) for hurting poor little her. It's too complicated for me to explain sufficiency. If you think the tears were fake, and I tend to agree, then don't beat yourself up.

I apologize if I have repeated anything from previous posts.



((hugs))