KitCat thank you for the support. It really means a lot to me.
Funny point about the “consciously” point you made above. H said in group sessions that because he made conscious choices to hurt me that therefore I had done the same. I never intentionally made decisions to be hurtful, it wasn’t until starting therapy that I was able to see outside of the box that I view my world in. But that was such a sticking point for him, “because I did it to you, you have done the same to me” (He even said that because he has had EA therefore I must have cheated on him in response and that really bothers me to have my loyalty questioned. I may be lacking in some things but never in loyalty.)
All this work I’m doing and taking responsibility for my actions but crickets on the other side.
Typical WAS thinking, why do I keep lying to myself and thinking he is different from the rest?
I wish I could flip off the switch in my heart the same way as him. I know that is what detaching is all about. I’m practicing the steps but the ball is being moved forward so quickly by him that I feel like I’m being spun around without knowing which way is up.
Our WH don't see that the hurt they felt from us was NOT unintentional. I was completely unaware that my H felt neglected AND rejected until it was too late. Was I doing it on purpose - no! Would I go back and do things differently so he did not hurt - yes! Intentional / unintentional - the pain is the same.
One point in time my H felt so rejected he felt that if I had been in an PA or EA then that would explain his feelings of loneliness and rejection... but since I wasn't the only excuse was I didn't care. Silly rationalization and dumb but that was his feelings and those are valid.
