I’m tattling on myself a little bit. I did write back and instead of it being short NC mode I mentioned my thoughts about the finances and what I thought the options were for handling the house, etc. I broke NC rule and said that I understood why he walked away and that I learned a lesson a little too late about things that I need to work on. I did make sure that I didn’t pursue or plead or pressure but these changes I’m making with work through Therapist are genuine. I am taking fault for my actions without defending. That is a 180 for me for sure.
I spent a lot of time writing it out to make sure I wasn’t doing any pursuing. Told him I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t come see kiddos. Didn’t want him to feel guilty. Said I didn’t want to make things difficult for anyone, my goal was the least painful process.
H texted right back about which bill should be split, who should take responsibility for this, that, etc. He must have just blown past the thoughtful parts. Why in the world would I expect my H to be any different than the rest of the WAS on here? I should know better.
He didn’t mention D but said he is pushing for group session with Therapist next week to go over time table. He is driving the bus and I’m just strapped in for the ride.
11 I am really sorry you are going through this right now.
One of the things that happens in DB is that sometimes we will say something in order to provoke a specific reaction. More often than not, we don't get the reaction we wanted, and then we feel even worse. That's just something to be aware of. If you're trying to provoke H to get expressions of guilt, remorse, fear or doubt, you'll often get the opposite and feel even worse.
What you did was pursuit and pressure and probably made him angry because he has to look like the bad guy and divorce someone who is making changes.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
