Yes thank you, I am activating GAL mode for sure. Was already working on dropping weight (that is only for me, I don’t think he had an issue) and I finally hit 20 lbs down TODAY since I started in Dec. Started running, started a gratitude journal, started a painting course, etc. Started setting a goal to make one small change around the house each day. . . Throw out one item, rearrange something, etc.
Yes thank you, I am activating GAL mode for sure. Was already working on dropping weight (that is only for me, I don’t think he had an issue) and I finally hit 20 lbs down TODAY since I started in Dec. Started running, started a gratitude journal, started a painting course, etc. Started setting a goal to make one small change around the house each day. . . Throw out one item, rearrange something, etc.
Sounds fantastic!!!!!
I was down 20lb too... then H brought me some candy... ugh... feels like I gained 2lb back... lol
Still practicing NC, only responding short and polite to any texts messages sent my way. Unfortunately the only texts I am getting are about him taking active steps for splitting things up. Selling large assets without discussion although he is putting money in joint account for example.
I’m still taking care of everything responsibility wise that he walked away from. I understand why it’s a relief for him to walk away and now have this free time on his hands to go drinking and partying (maybe it would be the equivalent of me running away from responsibilities and spending my free time at the beach!) but before BD he had a strong mindset toward taking care of the things he needed to take care so this flashes in my mind with every task that I’ve added to my plate since he walked away. I’m capable of doing these tasks but it’s a reminder that he walked away every time I need to take care of something.
I haven’t said anything more about splitting finances, I’ve separated my paycheck from the joint accounts but have not addressed anything further. This isn’t what I want so I’m not going to help him wrap things up.
NC is so hard right now because I’m panicking that he is going to take it as the sign he needs move on. I know that every other LBS says the same thing and I’ve only been practicing NC for less than a week so I’m staying the course. At least I have my dignity not begging.
Therapist (was MC, now IC for each) says he is confused and he did ask about me during his session (when I remarked that he probably doesn’t say a word about me to Therapist). Nothing I’ve seen reflects that. He won’t look at me (I came home the other day and he was outside, he was here picking up the previously mentioned asset he sold) and he got in his vehicle and left right away.
I feel like he is trying to distance himself as much as possible because he is afraid he will waver on his decision to end it if he sees me or talks to me.
I know I’m not detached because I think about him all the time. I’m taking active steps to do what I can to increase detachment. I took steps with social media so I couldn’t see what he was up to because I’m not going to like what I see. I turned contact on mute on phone so it doesn’t ding and I don’t respond right away.
I truly understand that he needs space to sort out whatever is going on with him, I’ve accepted that now.
I’m working on GAL, exercising, working on gratitude journal daily, making small daily goal lists,, listening to music that makes me feel bad ass
I’m just afraid that he is so stubborn that he will follow through with ending it and him having the NC toward me as well makes me feel like he assumes I won’t change because he can’t see it.
(Please note in the last statement that I recognize he has work to do before he would be allowed to come back and I do realize that the changes I’m working on with IC are for ME and not for him. IC seems pleased with progress I’m making toward realizing things and ways I’m working at changing previous mindsets. I’m just saying that that work is being done on my end but because there is solidly NC between us right now he won’t waver from his stubborn path because he doesn’t think the status quo has changed.)
Working to make these changes has given me a measure of self respect. I’m turning into the storm instead of turning away. Believe me, the old ElevenDiamonds would be building a wall of self protection against the pain right now. It’s a daily battle to embrace the pain and not try to run away from it but I know I know I’m strong enough to do it. And I love him enough to do so even if at the end of this journey he isn’t strong enough to do it himself.
Could use some support right now, just got a text from H about splitting finances again, it’s radio silence from him otherwise unless it’s him moving the ball forward with going his own direction. These past 5 weeks have just been him avoiding me and I feel like he is doing this to keep from wavering on his decision.
He never bothered to try to fix things he just walked away.
I’m fighting the urge right now to ask to see him in person. I know that is me being controlling and I’m probably saying the exact same thing every other newbie says about this. I’m struggling with truly letting him go. Help!
I’m sorry you are struggling right now. As you know an in person conversation is not going to change anything and make you feel worse. You need to try to keep yourself busy or maybe take a walk. This feeling to reach out will pass.
Hang tough... I will attest that the face to face convos never go as you plan in your head.
You don't have to answer right away. In fact don't. And, if you are not ready you can certainly say things like - let me think about it and get back with you.
I never feel better after talking - usually much worse.
You are doing the right thing posting here. HUGS!!!
The crazy thing is I almost wish I had angry or mean messages because at least I would have some idea of where he stands. It’s like he literally just disappeared into thin air except when he comes to get something he wants or notifies me of an action he has made toward him heading the other direction.
The crickets are driving me crazy. If he didnt keep moving forward with S/D I would think he was DB me with NC.
The crazy thing is I almost wish I had angry or mean messages because at least I would have some idea of where he stands. It’s like he literally just disappeared into thin air except when he comes to get something he wants or notifies me of an action he has made toward him heading the other direction.
The crickets are driving me crazy. If he didnt keep moving forward with S/D I would think he was DB me with NC.
Yup... there were times in the beginning I would have sworn my H was DB with me.... He GAL'd, He 180'd and then was even validating me at times.... holy smoke...
I feel like crap after the angry stuff. I guess because I want to please him --- don't ask me why he is doing me so wrong. But, I'm that kind of person... do me wrong is on you not me and not changing who I am. I work with the general public and sometimes emotions can run high on a good day given what I do.... I always smile and remember that I have no idea what is going on in their world and it may have nothing to do with me. I just go out of my way to be nice and accommodating... and then they leave feeling guilty for how they behaved. MAYBE this is why I'm still so nice to H? That I want to please him because that is how I handle conflict in my work?
I was told that anger was a form of attachment. IDK.
I think for every person who complains about in house separation there is the one person who would be thrilled to have in house separation over out of house separation. That's the crazy part.
He is probably dealing with guilt. Let the guilt stew. Let him get poisoned by his own thoughts without any input from you. You keep doing you.
I’m tattling on myself a little bit. I did write back and instead of it being short NC mode I mentioned my thoughts about the finances and what I thought the options were for handling the house, etc. I broke NC rule and said that I understood why he walked away and that I learned a lesson a little too late about things that I need to work on. I did make sure that I didn’t pursue or plead or pressure but these changes I’m making with work through Therapist are genuine. I am taking fault for my actions without defending. That is a 180 for me for sure.
I spent a lot of time writing it out to make sure I wasn’t doing any pursuing. Told him I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t come see kiddos. Didn’t want him to feel guilty. Said I didn’t want to make things difficult for anyone, my goal was the least painful process.
H texted right back about which bill should be split, who should take responsibility for this, that, etc. He must have just blown past the thoughtful parts. Why in the world would I expect my H to be any different than the rest of the WAS on here? I should know better.
He didn’t mention D but said he is pushing for group session with Therapist next week to go over time table. He is driving the bus and I’m just strapped in for the ride.
