Anyway this convo followed: W - Thank you! How are you? (She was close to crying) Me - Mostly good but it's up and down. Kills me that kids are feeling it. Silence. Me - Do you have something you want to say?. Let her take the lead. She'll either continue talking, or she'll leave. W - No. Or we'll. A lot... Me - I have a few minutes. Don't be so eager to show you are available. Just sit there calmly & silently, giving her plenty of rope to lead the conversation. W - I guess life isnt as black and white as I thought. Me - No life is mostly in the grey area. (Smiling. She laughed a bit.) Silence. Me - Either you get out of the car or we go sit down somewhere. If a few minutes has passed and she hasn't attempted to say anymore, then you should say something like, "Okay, well, I need to be going". Otherwise, it sounds a bit pushy to get her to talk. Silence W - What are you thinking about? WARNING! She doesn't want to reveal anything about herself. She wants, first, to feel out your thoughts/feelings. Don't reveal anything. Me - I can listen but will have a hard time talking when you have that bag next to you. (her "luggage" for living at OM's place) W - Mmm.. Slience W - I guess I will go. Me - Ok.
Mumin, when your W gets serious, she will approach you about reconciliation. You won't have to fish around trying to get her to talk. I can tell by the above quote that you still want to make it too easy for her, and that's not a good thing. You need to say very, very little if/when these type of talks spring up. You cannot tell her your thoughts, when she is sitting there closed mouthed. For goodness sake, be a little mysterious. If she's ready do to the right thing, she'll speak up and tell you. Otherwise, she's just checking to see if you are still sitting on the back burner. If she says she's having second thoughts, or asks what you think about reconciling, then you can tell her you'll have to think about it.....(especially, if you've heard no apology or she shows no remorse and humility). You could follow by saying, "It's not that simple anymore", and tell her she would have to agree to to some terms before you would consider it. If she does appear to be genuinely remorseful, humble, and has apologized for the destruction she brought.......and if she asks what would she have to do to make it work, that's when you tell her the terms of reconciliation. NC with OM....ever! Transparency, MC, etc. There can be no going soft-melty-cheese-man. And remember, the cheater doesn't get to call the terms of reconciliation. Understand?
When she said something about life isn't as black & white as she thought, it hinted that maybe everything isn't so peachy, and maybe......just maybe, her eyes are slightly seeing a little reality from her choices. Maybe she can see the pain in her children. Whether or not she accepts responsibility for their pain, may be in the distant future.
When my fantasy crashed, it felt as if it hit all at once. However, little cracks had been forming. I can look back and see how there was a build up, where I started seeing little things through tiny slit eyes ......but I didn't want to believe it, b/c I wanted the fantasy. One by one, dominoes started falling, until the main event hit and my eyes were opened and the fantasy fog was gone. I want LBH's to note...... Nothing had been resolved at that point. I still had choices to make. I had to face the fallout I had caused. I had to end my A and go through the withdraws. I had to make amends with my H. I had to go through a lot of work on myself, and on my MR.
I believe timing is crucial, b/c she has to be able to start seeing reality and realize how stupid she's been. It's a process she has to go through, if she's going to find her real self. Your job at this point, is hold the line and stop trying to be so helpful in lifting the fog for her. I really don't think it works when the H is trying to usher her out of the fog, and I see how it could backfire on him.......b/c of her unresolved resentment.
In the meantime, I wouldn't make any further references about the OM or A..........like the way you pointed out the bag sitting between you. Don't ask her personal questions, and don't answer personal questions from her. There is more required from her before you give her the answers she wants to hear. You have to let her work to get you back again. It's something she needs to do. So many eager H's rob their WW of that process, instead of making her work. Are you following what I'm saying? If not, please ask me questions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
