I've been following along and again not a lawyer, but reading posts from folks who have gone through the process in your thread, it really seems like there is no reason you shouldn't get 50/50, the courts like to see that, it is widely understood that it is in the best interests of the children to have that, and you know and any reasonable person (= the definition of a good judge or mediator) will not hold the incident of grabbing one child who is kicking the other over you. Remember, these family court judges see real abuse. They also see spouses alleging BS abuse just like your W, and I think they are pretty good at knowing the difference.
I am prepared to defend myself in court at this point. The apology letters are the only thing I worry about.
When we attended MC1 in Fall 2018, my W had insisted I call the incident of grabbing my son's leg as abuse. When I indicated I didn't like using the word "abuse" to characterize the incident, my W flipped out angrily and stormed off. I remember immediately apologizing trying to smooth things over. I had NGS in spades... I just wanted to do or say anything to stop the angry lash-outs.
Our MR had been not going well for awhile prior to that. And for 6 months after the incident she insisted on calling "abuse", my W became even more distant. No affection. She would periodically have these late-night dump session where she would complain about 8 or 10 things she was unhappy about with me. I would listen non-defensively (I had been listening to couples' communication podcasts on the way to work). It was a completely SSM. I tried giving her a special birthday. I could do nothing right. She refused to talk about our R. By March 2019 when I found evidence she wanted a D, I desperately wanted to talk and pulled the car over on our way home from a rare night out. That was a poor decision on my part and I have always been prepared to be open and honest in talking about it.
She takes these 2 events and has created a narrative that I am a monster. And... I so badly wanted to fix things that I wrote the apology letters. I researched remorseful apologies. I researched abuse. She insisted that I was abusive, so I wrote apology letters from that perspective. Literally things like "if you ever feel you need to take the kids if things get scary I understand". I said I was passive-aggressive, and needed serious help, and on and on.
I am ashamed that I wrote those things. It is not who I believed I was. But I was willing to admit to those things to save my MR. It was... pathetic. I want to go back and stop myself. I could have said, "W, I have some things to work on, and I want to fight for our MR, but this is not all on me." Instead, I took all my flaws and magnified them a thousand-fold and thought somehow this was going to be good. It is embarrassing when I look back. Completely embarrassing.
Yes, I was P-A sometimes. I was walking on eggshells. I was not perfect. I was also not a monster, and I was WILLING to work on my issues and our MR. I saw the communication problems and wanted to work on them.
Those apology letters represent to me everything wrong with our MR. Taking sole responsibility for our issues. Accepting the blame. Accepting that I had some sort of psychological problem requiring serious treatment. Not standing up for my needs. Not standing up for my relationship with my kids. Assigning my self-worth to another person's approval.
Never again will I be in a relationship like that. I am 50% responsible for what happened, I don't blame my W 100%. I could have stopped it much earlier. Had I been willing to walk away for what I believed was right, maybe we would have righted the ship long before I found out about DB. But I didn't have the skills at the time. I accept that. I wasn't willing to walk away. I would have done ANYTHING to fix our MR. I wish I had found DB 2 months earlier.
Originally Posted by may22
#1 probably something like I disagree with your interpretation though I'm sorry you feel that way. I know I'm a good father and our children deserve 50/50 time with each parent; and #2 something like what's best for the kids is 50/50 time with each parent, and I agree that stability is important, which is why we need to work together now to create a stable 50/50 plan that starts as soon as possible.
I agree, these are my standard responses. I just noticed recently how her reaction to my #1 response is to jump to #2, and if I respond to #2 she jumps back to #1.
Originally Posted by may22
Whether she likes it or not, this is the reality she's chosen for her children. I think you can't show her that her arguments are swaying you in any way by changing your response. I think you should be consistent and hold the line. You are a good dad. 50/50 is best for the kids. Nothing she can say will change those two fundamental truths.
I'm never going to convince her I'm a good dad. I own the fact that those letters are contributing to her firm beliefs. I also believe I gave it my best effort this past year in a lousy deal... moving out of the marital home, going to MC2 for 6 months while W accused me of abuse but refused to talk about it (even though I was as non-defensive as I could be), continuing to pay for everything out of my income. We had our chance to resolve things more amicably.
Originally Posted by may22
Stay strong. You got this. I also like the idea of daily yoga or baking bread or learning a new skill that takes enough concentration for you to take a mental break from all the stress and anxiety every day.
Yes! I have on and off been trying to get into some hatha yoga this week actually. I like mixing the exercise and meditation aspects.
