Things with D16 are always an exercise in patience for every one. I mean that in the kindest terms possible. I love her, but she's watched far too many teen dramas, and has spent far too much time watching her diagnosed bi-polar mother live life and thinks that existing in highs and lows is real way of living. In the past 7 year we've have put up with a lot of ridiculousness most of which was fueled by bio mom, some of which, especially in these more recent years, has been fueled by D16's own attention seeking behaviors and lack of impulse control. We had her stable and happy, until H, well, threw a wrench in everyone's lives. A big part of me wants to tell him, "You know this is your fault, right? You made a hole in the wall or a really big chink in the armor just enough to let bio mom wriggle in and destroy. And here we are, back to this house makes D16 miserable and she feels unloved and unwanted here." The day she left she made an off handed comment to me on how H was affecting her mental health and "she can't live like this any more." I kindly informed her as a person who has been battling depression for well decades at this point that that isn't how any of this works. And she needs to quit her self diagnosis and learn that there is no pill for conflict resolution or negative feelings. She needs coping skills and bouncing from which ever parent she likes the best at the time is not a coping skill. It is in fact pitting already contentious parents against each other. The exact thing she's told me over and over and over again that she hates the most. And that part of the conversation is exactly why I'm not hearing a word from her.
H is getting one word texts and he has to initiate the "conversation." That's in quotes because I've seen some of the exchanges. I wouldn't call that a conversation. He is getting one word answer because before she left he made her empty out her bags to see what she was taking. She got up at 5:30am and packed them we can only assume thinking we wouldn't notice she was leaving. Which she's not a stealthy kid so I have no idea what the thought processes was there. Anyway, after he made her dump her bags he then made her repack them because she tried to clear out her entire wardrobe to take to her mother's. I had heard her bumping around but I didn't realize how quickly she attempted to clear out her whole room. He literally pulled out 1/2 of everything, and D16 was pissed. He said "I'm not playing this game with your mother if you can't see what's happening here, then fine, I'll be the bad guy. Me and Wayfarer bought every single piece of clothing you're packing right now. Every sock, every bra, every pair of pants. If your mom wants you there full time she has the child support card she can spend that on a wardrobe for you over there." TBH as dramatic as it is, and ridiculous, it feels normal because all of this is the drama we're used to in our lives. And it's really a nice break from this A drama. Going forward we will be ignored until D16 and mom get in a fight or until the stimulus money runs out and it's not buying her love fest over there any more.
As far as H leaning back in and my clear aversion to him doing so, lol, I can see how far we've come. I can see that who he is now is not the man I was dealing with when I first came here. He was so angry, and cruel, and cold. And now he's more like the man I fell in love with every day. I can see how we went from strangers to slowly finding out way back to the friends and lovers we used to be. It's unfortunate that lovers came first this time around, but c'est la vie I suppose..lol. But, there are huge hiccups that just won't let me take my walls down. H isn't in IC, and while he's tentatively agreed he doesn't want to start until he can meet that person in person. H never made it through more than one session of DC. H hasn't said he's committed to at least trying. My H didn't choose our life over OW, he got dumped, because she chose the life she built over him. I haven't heard the words I love you since November. And that was ILYB. I've gotten I love your cooking. I love when you *insert sexual act here.* I've gotten "do you need a hug?" But I haven't heard a single "I love you." I haven't heard I miss you or I missed you or I missed this. Except once again "I missed *insert sexual act here* with you." He hasn't flat out said he's not moving out. He just hasn't brought it up. He isn't openly on apartment finder any more. He's paying rent here yet again. So I'm to assume he's here at least until June, could be July, could be forever. I have no idea. I have no idea about anything that's going through his head of real substance. For now I let my walls down in doses. I enjoy the moments in the moment and if it's overwhelming I quietly retreat and deal with it alone. I don't really need him to meet all those markers. But like one or two would be really nice. TBH I don't know that I'll be able to open up fully, let my guard down and not be surprised until he comes out and says he wants to try. That he isn't running any more. That he's still not sure if this marriage is for him but he's willing to find out. Any tiny bit of actual reassurance that I'm not just a friend for the end of the world. That he is using this time to mull things over. I think that's what I'd need to let go enough for it to not hurt and recoil when he leans in.
