I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 11

[LH19]

You are right. My actions are based on fear and anxiety.

That is how 99% of the people on here are acting. It's just better if you understand that is what it is about.

When my H was so into me and us.... the draw he had to me was so much stronger than the pull to be closer to work, live closer to friends, live closer to his social circle and his family (we lived 1hr away.)

Did you ever offer to move closer?

The hurt that he internalized as his rejection of me when I was going through my own issues... well his draw to me weakened significantly... dramatically... therefore it took less of a pull for all those other things to pull him away.

So when you were going through issues you stayed in the marriage. When he was going through issues he left the marriage?

The bottom line for us to get to recon:

I have to get it.

Get what?

He has to be willing to risk it again.

But first he has to be dissatisfied with his new life and then probably be single and trying dating again and then be willing to risk it again. Sound plausible within a year?

He told me weeks ago he would never return and risk getting hurt by me ever again. But, he also said things like if he does work things out I will be coming to him... he won't be coming to me. Then he said this is definitely going to end up in D.

Classic LBS behavior. When you hear something you don't like you say "believe nothing you hear" you hear something you do like you hold onto it like it was etched in stone.

He has had a taste of life away from me... and it appears to me it tastes very good to him. He is reconnecting and is busy all the time. He isn't exhausted from commuting and working 12hr days (though he has been laid off for a month). I'm sure he is ecstatic about closing on his home which was yesterday I would guess.

I'm sure it tastes great right now but it will likely lose it's luster YEARS down the road.

I know I'm beautiful and amazing and I have flaws as anyone does. I'm worried about not ever being missed by him. It terrifies me to the core that there is nothing special about me that would ever remotely attract him back to us. In his words I was a goddess to him... and over the years he got to see my cracks and flaws and imperfections and now that is all he will ever see. Not my amazing qualities but the flaws. It hurts.

I think you really need to read what your wrote. He found out you were human and had flaws and he dumped you but you continue to view him as the prize.

Why now? Why now and not 9yr ago? Because I realized it wasn't his job to save me... it was mine.

Its just WW BS he's putting on you. That's great that you realize you can only save yourself.

If I was unhappy about my weight I should have been the one to do something about it. I should not have pulled away to my H and said I was uncomfortable about me---- in his hurt of rejection he would spout off "then do something about it" in a way that made me shut down more. I took it as his judgement of me rather than he was coming from a place of hurt that he didn't have his W... that his W was rejecting him.

This actually happens quite a lot and men should be better at lovingly supporting their partner when they want to lose weight.

But all along it was my job. My job to feel good about myself. Giving my best self to my H so he felt loved and accepted for who he was.

One of my regrets that I live with is that I didn't give my W my best self and that is a consequence I must live with moving forward.

That is my answer to his question of Why Now??? But, its not something I'm allowed to tell him or share with him -- but as honest as that answer is and its baring my soul to him he no longer has interest. Even if he did ask the question.

Some day you may be able to give him that answer but now is not the time. If you truly love him and want peace then honor his wish to pursue his happiness elsewhere.